ok so my life hasnt been overly terrible, i was born in new york and was raised there. growing up it was only my mom and my sister with me. we werent rich or anything and aside from myself none of us knew english well enough. my early life was entirely wake up go to school finish with regular school, and if my sister was not out of school yet go to some after school program until she came to pick me up. she is 5 years older than me so we were never really close in a sense of helping each other out with personal problems (relationships and friends). never got to play with kids my own age, or go to the park or any of the "cool" things kids do....unless it was during lunch time or school trips. always was shy since i didnt know much english and even when i did know enough english i had nothing to say other than the walls in my apartment are white and discuss what i had for dinner. when high school came around it was the same thing except i tried to experiment and decided i didnt want to be shy anymore. my mom was a good influence on knowing who to be friends with so i never got into the wrong crowd, but even when i was with friends i never felt i was actually part of the group. always tried to just stay on what their life dealt with rather than mine because mine was the same as always just watch tv, read and stay at home.i did end of getting a girlfriend in highschool but because of my insecurities i was dumped. i was able to go to college and yet again i attempted to try to get out of my shell again and with little success was able to get friends that i can rely on today even though they are vew few (i can count them on one hand). lost my mother 4 years ago and the moment she passed away i knew i wasnt a good enough son, did what i was told but always caused problems for her. my life as it stands now im 28 single, havent had a girlfriend in over 9 years (even thought that was my only girlfriend), want to get out of my shell yet everytime i go out of my room im shy and dont talk to people, in the military and getting deployed for a year to afghanistan, all my friends have significant others, i cant even hang out with them because i always feel like a third wheel where ever we go. im not over weight but definitely not slim or medium, and i dont know what to do with myself. always have depression moments that sometimes i even cry myself to sleep or cry in the shower so that no one hears me. i refuse to even think about suicide since in my opinion that is quiting...but i have no idea why God put me on this earth for...why waste a soul on someone like me, some people question why the bad people in the world sometimes live longer than the good.....well why do i even exist i dont have a girlfriend, no kids....nothing to pass a legacy to anyone...if i die tomorrow nothing will change and no ones hearts with be anymore empty than it was today | |
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