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I'm broken

Posted by anonymous at February 23, 2012
Tags: Attitude  2012 February  Relationship

Hey I read a lot of what people have said and can relate alot to how some people feel on here. I'm a 28 yo guy in england. I'm in really good shape, love sports particularly kickboxing and swimming. I also at one point was fairly well off due to some compensation I had for a shoulder injury in a hospita..

I came to Uni about5-6 years ago. I had a respectable job and a gf who loved me. But I left the job as it was violent ( I ran a pub) and I didn't really connect anymore with my gf so I left her (I'd decided I didn't really love her, possibly the only move I still stick by, i didn't love her and it wasn't fair). Anyway I made some new friends at uni and I had a new and exciting life. Within 6 months my life became an endless orgy of drugs and booze and it seemed fun at 1st. The problem was I couldn't stop it at will, none of me or my friends could, we became jaded, we stopped being able to make new friends, we stopped going out and being social, the drugs and booze didn't stop. I used pretty much all my compensation feeding my filthy habits, I got several jobs whilst I was at uni (only shitty ones) but I lost them all for being waisted or getting waisted and then just couldn't be arsed going in. I began to feel very depressed (this was2-3years down the line), as I didn't seem to be able to talk to ladies or get a girlfriend. I tried to be more social but found it made me uneasy, worse still my friends were very similar and still are, so no1 could lead us out of it, i began to feel very anxious and lonely as i felt I couldn't turn anywhere.
I passed my degree barely and applied for my Masters. I blew what remaind of my compensation on it (so that I hadn't just pissed it all up the wall). But Following the recession i realized that my degree wasn't very vocational and work was hard to come by. During my masters I finally met a girl who I saw for 18 months though we had a 2 year relationship. She constantly asked for money (which I gave her as I could as she had a kid). but she started acting strange, sending me txts that were part of conversations she wasn't having with me, standing me up and being virtually uncontactable for the most. one night she sent me txts that were of an illicit nature and then started sending me pics of her naked. Some of these clearly couldn't have been taken by her, when I asked she sent me a pic of her new bf naked. It all became clear what had been going on, she laughed at me and insulted me. I felt crushed, the one person I had opened up to, the one person who had made me think I wasn't a complete joke of a person thoought I was second rate at best :(. She had also taken quite a lot of money off me. I was so hurt I wanted to die, we argued badly at the end. I didn't kill myself as I had just found a shitty job in a call centre and was hoping that I could build on that.

I gave up on women entirely, it just didn't seem worth it. I haven't been able to progress at work and after several meetings with my manager i'm worried i may be closer to a sacking than a promotion. Also I developed feelings for this girl on my team. She is so sweet and lovely, also she is ten years younger than me. Recently I found out she was getting into drugs. I tried to warn her and told her of my drugs related problems, she blocked me on facebook. It was hard enough, having feelings for her an knowing I wasn't good enough for her. I'm sure she knows I'm a loser. I didn't even told her that I liked her just that I had a history of drug abuse :( (I didn't mention I'm still an addict). Now I'm scared I will lose my job and I'm never gonna find any1 who will wanna be with me because of the things I've done.

So thats my story, I'm broke, I have no prospects, I have no love and no friends. Im at the bottom of the barrel I honestly believe this is how I will end


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