Since high school, no, elementary school I've been picked on. It continues. Every day, I'm in my third year of college. Every where I go, random people on the street, people just don't seem to grow up. Some real Jodi Picoult shit. It's mostly because I don't talk unless you really get to know me. Everyone has their flaws and I think I'm pretty alright, but why does this keep happening?! I feel like I can't breathe. I look nervous. I have a permanent look on my face cos of my past.
My dad was terribly abusive in every sense, mostly towards me. He's left me with permanent physical injuries. I watched him hit and strangle my Mom sometimes too. He's a sociopath. He lies to everyone around him, his friends, his family, the government, the police. Everyone loves his charm. I got away from him, but he got away with it all.
My brother was born with a condition. My Mom feels like its her fault and both of my parents favor him. He's become a malignant narcissist. He's like poison. They blame me for not 'liking' him. Truly, I wish I could love him. I long to feel that bond.
When he was in the hospital when we were kids I was home alone a lot. I grew up around adults who never really grew up, alcoholics, addicts, creeps and sorry cases. I have flashbacks, that I can see, smell, feel, hear all the time. Night terrors. I space out, I spaced out for years, disconnected, like I wasn't really there. Loud noises literally hurt. I can feel them physically.
I can't relate to people well and just when I think things are okay, someone, who has no fucking idea the shit I've been through just fucks up my whole world. I haven't been truly happy since the end of high school and even then I was staying up all night making sure he wouldn't try to burn down the house again.
I lost my old best friend because I can't, won't and don't believe in their religion. They think I won't ever be happy and good fortune will never be bestowed upon me unless I am a full-blown Christian.
It isn't said, but I can feel it. Sometimes I feel like converting just to be accepted by a big 'loving' group of people called a church but, I could never be pro-life, anti-gay marriage, anti-contraceptives, no-sex-before-marriage, anti-divorce, rejecting of the theory of evolution, environmental consciousness and so on. I could never buy into such a ridiculous indoctrination, sacrificial-unwarranted devotion, most of all, I just can't pretend like I believe in God.
They're just a group of random people who aren't really friends any way.
My life feels empty, no religion, no family, no vices, no.. harmless addictions or gratifying habits. I can no longer define self-worth with possessions and money like I learned from my 'role models'. I'm allergic to all of my favorite foods. I stopped being friends with the friends who had the parties.
All the fun stuff is taken out. I can't fuck around and run from the cops like I was 17 again. At least I got to be a kid for a few months. No platform to relate to others with, nothing to join into, no way to say fuck you. No more 'em effin' blunts. no more weed = no more fun. I swear. If I could just be, or feel attractive again and be able to talk to people again. if I didn't feel so bad about buying clothes..
So many people get by on being superficial and 'cool' or living a lie. It's hard to live a truth.
If we had more money- nah fuck that. Hell, I don't know how I'd get out of this problem of feeling like shit. This world is so appearance-based it's hard to be one with your self and the world when you don't buy into excessive consumerism.
I have one good friend. I don't know what I'd do without him.
I do well in school and I have aspirations I can see myself achieving but I'm beginning to no longer value being intelligent and I'm not feeling so resilient. I've been through much bigger things and the shit that keeps happening is so little and stupid in comparison, but its what's preventing me from living a happy life and moving on, being free. What used to matter doesn't mean so much. It doesn't matter what I achieve if I'm lonely and constantly in pain. I don't want to continue this way.
I've gotta find some meaning in it, I have to believe in something, I'm choosing to believe in myself.
Some how I will
and so will you. | |
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