I'm a 35 year old Male. I worked at the same job for 10 years almost to the day until I got fired. For 8 of those years I was being harassed and bullied by management although there was nothing I could do about it because I didn't fall under a protected class if you know what I mean. As it turned out, the years of harassment caused me to develop depression, I didn't know I was depressed until about a year before I got terminated. The years of abuse at work caused stress, the stress became depression, the depression caused erratic behavior, then ultimately became the reason for getting fired. I've been on unemployment since October 2011. I've been seeing a therapist regularly since I got canned from work. Every now and then I look and apply for new career, not jobs... I figure I may as well look for something permanent. While I've been on unemployment, I've been able to pay the bills, and even buy some toys once and a while. So for another 5 weeks or so I'll be just fine. If i can get an extension it will be even better. I am currently awaiting arbitration through the union from my old job. Hopefully within the next few months. So there is a slight possibility of getting my job back. With all this going on, I feel fine. I should be worried but I'm not. I seem to have this "things will work themselves out on their own" attitude. I know deep down that I should take this more seriously. The strange thing is... I am generally comfortable with the situation and have no worries, Until I sit down and actually think about it. When I start to zone out and think about the reality of my situation, that's when I wake up from my illusion. Then... I start to get depressed. But it's like my mind is trying to fight the feeling. Lately when I sit and focus on reality, I start thinking about ending my life. I don't want to kill myself but the thought is there... it's like deep down I feel like there's no hope and that I really screwed my life up. It's like a "Do I really deserve to exist?" kind of attitude. These thoughts of ending my life are becoming more frequent... to the point where I'm searching for info online about painless ways to do it... but I really don't want to. I think it's more curiosity than anything else. | |
New Comment