I have a great family, my mom and dad both care about me and have loved each-other and myself deeply since I was a kid. You'd think everything would work out for me because of my upbringing. I should be positive, happy with myself, but no. I'm so dissatisfied with life. In part it is because my social skills were damaged by bullies when I was too young to do anything rational about it. During elementary school I was bullied for mild shyness and for being fat. The kids in one particular class never let me speak because when I tried to speak, they would start laughing and say loudly, "Oh my god, he's talking." Why is humanity so cruel? That stuck with me. My expectations of man shaped. I didn't want to go to school because when I did I had to become shy instead of blossoming out of it. That continued through all of my schooling. I'm in college now and I'm seeing small steps but ultimately believe I will die alone. I have since lost weight but still have trouble communicating. I'm actually pretty good-looking now, but the confidence has already been bred out of me. There is a block between how I feel I can communicate and how well people believe I do. I've been told I'm not that shy, and not that reserved. Why do I not believe them? I'm so done with it. My life is going well but I'm so deeply unhappy in the social sphere. I have no girlfriend and have never had a meaningful sexual relationship. I can't seem to "love." I don't even know what it is so I don't believe in it. I love my family but that's a different thing. I feel like I'll keep rambling and none of this makes sense. The truth is I know my life isn't that bad, but I'm so very lonely. My parents and one close friend are miles away and I am stuck in a distant college town with petty friends and even pettier one night stands that happen because I'm so scared to walk up to a girl that I have to wait for her to come to me. And no girl wants a man with my confidence issues and emotional baggage so it never becomes anything more and most of the time I self-end it. I just don't like my life. I don't know. Oh yah, I have anxiety disorder and it stops me from doing things every day of my life. I think about killing myself sometimes too. All this is real. I'm worthless to only myself. The worst thing is people see value in me and tell me that but I can't believe it. I hate myself and I don't know why. | |
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