I feel like giving up. I'm 22 and although that seems young to some, I feel like its too late for me. I was molested as a child, & as a result I've let it completely ruin my life up until today. I acted out and got in trouble constantly up until I turned 17, where I met my abusive ex who I now have a 4 year old son with. I had my son early and although he seems healthy now, I question at times whether he's autistic or not and have been taking him for testing. Since my sons father, I was in two more abusive relationships and one resulted in me getting my nose broken twice. I was modeling because it's always been a life long goal of mine but due to my broken nose and broken self esteem I've basically gave up on modeling. I don't return phone calls and I always make excuses as to why I can't go on a shoot. Everyone tells me my nose isn't noticeable, I even had a plastic surgeon tell me surgery wouldn't be neccessary but everyday I look in the mirror I feel hideous now. It's affected my social life, I dread going in public and I refuse to let people photograph me now, and if someone does manage to get a picture of me, I do everything in my power to get it deleted. I have a new boyfriend now that I've been with for a year, and although he doesn't hit me, he's cold emotionally and I don't feel like he loves me at all. I catch him trying to talk to other women monthly. He hasn't been in trouble since 2008 but employers still won't hire him and I'm stuck taking care of him. He doesn't seem to appreciate anything I do and it's never enough. I managed to find him a well paying job and even tried to get him enrolled in college with me but he refuses because of a leg injury, yet he had surgery months ago and manages to wobble around enough every weekend to go party with his friends. I'm pregnant right now with his child. Although I know this baby is a blessing, it's completely overwhelming and has depressed me even more. I was in school full time, with 8 credits to go until I graduate with my criminal justice degree but I had to drop this semester because I'm already dilated and I'm sure I'll have this baby early just like the last, & then it will be trips to the neonatal intensive care unit everyday until they can come home. I do have a well paying job, but it's seasonal and their already dropping my hours to almost nothing. I already have another degree in paralegal studies but can't find a permanent job anywhere. I plan on getting my bachelors in criminal justice and hopefully becoming a police officer and moving up through the ranks but right now it seems hopeless. The place I live are nazis about driving and due to a few speeding tickets they've literally revoked my license until 2014. Mind you everytime I was speeding I was on my way to school! So now that I'm revoked, everytime I'm pulled over I'm taken to jail, which I'm sure will look amazing when I go to apply to become a police officer. I'm currently living with my father because I had to run from my home to escape my abusive ex, and alone it will be difficult to pay rent and because my current boyfriend refuses to work, Ive had trouble finding a place. I'm also driving around a piece of shit car now because my boyfriend wrecked my brand new suv while he was drunk. All I want to do is provide a good life for my children and never have to see them struggle for anything. I'd also like my social life back, but my social anxiety disorder has became so bad I dread going to school and work everyday. I'm hoping my school will let me return in the fall because all I want to do is get my 4 year degree. I just feel so alone and I have no one to talk to. I just want to feel loved I suppose. Is that too much to ask? | |
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