LIFE SUCKS

I have no future

I have a tumor inside my spinal cord. I am 28. I also have spinal stenosis as well as chronic sciatica, herniated disks in my lumbar spine. My doctor's say I have the spine of an 80 year old. I spent 2 years completely bed ridden and paralyzed after a botched cortisone injection in my spine. The pain was so bad that morphine and vicodin was equivalent to children's vitamins. I couldn't sleep through all of my constant screaming and crying. I gained 60 lbs from being bed ridden. I also had a long string of other medical problems. First I had ovarian cysts, then H1N1, then serotonin syndrome with seizures after getting off effexor, then by back problems, and then postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. Since then I have managed to lose all of that weight and can walk again however I can never work in a job that would require standing or sitting for more than 30 minutes at a time. There are no jobs that fit that category. I don't qualify for SSI because they say I'm "too young" to be disabled. I'd get a spinal fusion but I really don't want to have to get another one after 10 years (they only last that long). There's too much risk at my age to have surgery.

My husband can barely support me with his meager wage. We haven't been able to pay our electric bill for over 3 months. Our fridge is empty. Our rent sucks up half of his income. There's no where cheaper to move. We have no where to go except for a bridge if he loses his job because his parents have disowned him for marrying me and my parents said we can go to a shelter. I have 100k in student loan debt for my graduate degree that got me no where. Those loans are about to go into default. I will soon be getting harassing calls. I'm trying to build my own photography business but no one wants to pay me for my services. I have no future. I have no purpose in life. My life is full of broken dreams.

I went to a music conservatory for my undergrad and was told I would go far since I am a Wagarian soprano. I had undiagnosed ADHD and couldn't learn as fast as my teachers wanted. They got frustrated and asked me to leave the school my senior year. I was depressed and just gave up. See my entire life I have been told "you can't do that" "You're not smart enough" "you will never be successful" "you will never get a job." My mom made certain to instill those values in my subconscious throughout my adolescence. In fact my mother-in-law reinforced that by saying I will never amount to anything. My teachers also said I couldn't overcome my obstacles. I gave up on my dreams.

Then I went to the best communications school in the country in photography for my graduate degree. I was overlooked by everyone in the program because I was shy. I was singled out as an outcast from the very beginning by my peers. They sabotaged me in that cut throat environment. I was so miserable. I was overlooked by my professors. These wealthy kids got all of the TA jobs even though their rich parents paid for their tuition in full. There are no need based jobs in this school. My professors handed these kids jobs as they graduated (through connections). They are now very successful making 6 figure incomes and traveling the world. I have no references. No network connections. In a pitiful attempt to do something with my life, I tried to start a photography business. I am flooded with models who love my work and would just love for me to photograph them... only for free. My husband and I are so poor. He was very angry with me when I bought groceries this week. I haven't bought clothes (socks, underwear, bras, shirts) in 6 years. They are covered in holes. I have one pair of shoes and 4 pairs of underwear. All of my socks have holes. I haven't seen a movie in a theater in 7 years. I only drive to my parents once a week. That's the only time I leave the house and is also the only place I can afford to drive. I never have enough money to fill the tank and usually run it on E. My husband is upset because he doesn't have enough money to visit his friends. We never go out anywhere. The cabin fever is terrible.

I am a shut in. I am living inside an echo chamber that is my own mind. I am so lonely! I have no friends and the only family I have are my dysfunctional parents. This is putting a strain on my marriage because it's not healthy for my husband to be my only friend. I have not made a new friend in 8 years. I've only lost friends. I am questioning my existence. I don't see a purpose in my life. I want to be wanted. I want to be valued as a member of society. I want to be an adult. I have never gotten the opportunity to put food on my table and pay my own bills. Someone is always doing that for me. I can't stand it. I want to be able to support myself. I feel like an adolescent who hasn't grown up. I want to have the opportunity to buy a house and have kids someday. But we can't afford either of those things. I'm 28. There's so little time left to have kids.

I'm scared of people. I have PTSD from multiple events in my life. When I was 7, I had a group of teenage boys trying to molest me in a barn. When I was 15 my dad went after me with a crowbar at 1 in the morning. That same day he left me stranded on the highway. I was extremely bullied throughout my entire K-12. I was molested on the school bus everyday. People would trip me in the halls, shove desks against me, throw food at me, spit in my hair, send death threats, spreading horrible rumors about me, destroying my art work, etc. I remember it like yesterday. It traumatized me so much. It has completely destroyed my life. I am so angry as a result. If anyone ever tries to take advantage of me, I flip out. I want them all to pay for making my life a living hell. I have been suicidal since the age of 6. I don't trust men. I am terrified of people. Thus there is no place for me in society. No one wants to hire someone who is shy. I can't get clients because I am shy. No one values me. I just don't see the point of my existence. There is no purpose. My life is going no where. I've worked so hard to get where I am at but am so sick of being overlooked. I am always invisible.