LIFE SUCKS

I'm so tired of it all

I hate everything that I've done to myself. I had a crush on the most amazing guy in the world and he liked me too but I purposefully lost touch with him because he had a girlfriend at the time. Now he's married to that same girl and I'm engaged to a loser. I'm in med school and the guy I'm engaged to won't get a job and he has all these addiction and anger problems and he expects me to just deal with him. I don't smoke or drink or any of that stuff but I feel like I should start because he always does it.

He makes fun of me all the time and if I do it back to him he gets mad and doesn't want to talk to me. This guy is 10 years older than me but he acts like a child. He plays computer games all day and when I ask him about getting a job he says that he is trying but I should be patient because he's going through precription drug and alcohol withdrawal. We've been engaged for about 1yr and 2 months now and he REFUSES to talk about wedding planning saying that we don't have the money but he always talks about getting me pregnant! WTF! If we don't have a few thousand for a wedding we sure as hell don't have the money for a baby, idiot.

He always expects me to put out for him any time he wants it and he tries to have sex when he's drunk. He acts like he doesn't know that when you drink in excess, if you're a guy, you don't stay hard and it's difficult to keep an erection. When, in frustration, I finally told him this, he acted shocked and was like really? Ummm duh! You've been drinking every single week for almost 15 yrs straight and you haven't figured that out? Besides I thought that was common knowledge. Also when I do have sex with him when he's been drinking after he finally wears me down he goes for an hour to an hour and fifteen minutes and this is not including the time I have to take giving him oral just to keep his erection which I don't care about anyway. I don't know if anyone likes it that long but after prolonged thrusting it gets really painful and he won't stop until he's had an orgasm. So I lay there trying not to think about the pain and begging him to stop and when he finally comes I get up crying and run to bathroom just to see that he's made me bleed. One time I bled for 3 days straight after one of his stupid drunken sex sessions. So now I have to sleep on the couch if he's been drinking so that I don't have to worry about it.

He has pushed me on several occasions and smacked me on another. He even threw me out of his apartment (with only a night outfit on, no shoes, socks, car keys, purse or cell phone) so hard that I flung into a wall in the hallway and bruised my knee pretty badly. I had to beg him to give me my car keys and phone because he had locked me out.

Yes I know anyone reading this will just tell me to drop the loser and that I'm the stupid one for staying around which I completely agree with (read the beginning of this post) but now I can't get rid of him because he told his family that we were moving out of state for me to go to med school and his parents gave us money, a lot of it, so that we could go up here together. I really really like his family and they think he's doing better with his drinking and have no idea what kind of person he is.

So now he's moved up with me and there's nothing I can do. Granted, now that we're out of state, he treats me a little better but I think it's because he's afraid that I'm going to kick him out and I want to just so that he could feel the shame and humiliation that he put me through when I was living in his place. I can't do it though because I don't want to hurt him and it's not right.

Also he forgets Valentine's Day, my birthday, and any other day that's important to me so I don't even care anymore. I just want to be free and left alone. The worse thing about all this is that I came from an abusive family and I told myself that I would never let this happen to me and here I am. What an idiot I am.