I suffer from depression and anxiety, and there's no telling when my head is going to start screwing around with me and making me miserable on any given day. I lost my religion nine years ago, and life has been meaningless ever since. Don't tell me to get God back into my life, because I don't and can't believe in God. I just have to face the fact that life, in general, is completely pointless. As such, I don't understand why I am expected to tough it up and stick around when I don't feel like fighting misery anymore. Why can't I end it if I so choose? Why is that seen as such a selfish abomination? None of this, my life, my actions, anything that anyone ever does, none of it means anything or persists in the long run (and I mean LONG run). I'm just killing time, trying to outlast the bad times, until my day comes. I just hope I don't have to wait 60 years to see that day. | |
quiet. i guess im distracted at work and i dont feel it. im thinking of getting a job at night, so im constantly busy. it mostly pisses me off when my weekend is here and that when also i get them. right now im still awake, i woke up with heart palpitations and comes the chest pain. a lot of times im paranoid that it's more than anxiety, but my symptoms tells me otherwise. i was diagnosed when i wss 29, and it just wont go away. i've been on meds of years and my dr suggested i see a psychiatrist, which i probably should do, at least try it. i guess i dont want to feel like im crazy. my job is about to end and im used to waking up in the morning and knowing i have a job to go to. im also not in a relationship. most men i meet, dont really want a commitment and just want to sleep with me. it makes me feel unmwanted sometimes. i also got rid practically most of my friends cuz they r not truly friends or maybe due to my condition, i tend to isolate myself. i get supersensitive and hates criticism, so i tried to be a perfectionist at work. i thought about of finding a lasting relationship, but im afraid that he would not understand my condition when it strikes. i plan to go on vacay, but i worry that it may strike at a foreign place and im far away from home where its easier to get med help. i was sexually molested as a child and i never address it with a professional. i never told my family either. there are times i feel my role in life is a sex object and dont deserve a good man. im also a worry wart and always expect the worst. im just tired feeling this anxiety attacks esp the severe ones. i cud be laying in bed watching t.v. or at the gym, and boom, it hits me. i dont know what else to do to get rid of it. i admit, i have a little bit of depression. i just want to enjoy life with or w/out a partner. i just want to not feel this way cuz it interfere sometimes with my life. i just say a prayer when it happens and wish it will go away.
walk into a church and tell a "preacher guy" the story you've written above....find whoever gives the Sunday sermons, pour yourself out to them, tell them you seek understanding, then be still and see what they say.....what do you have to lose?.......
i don't know what happened to make you think that God doesn't exist, but it seems you're basing your decision on a past disappointment......just remember this, everyone is only one small visual miracle away from truly believing, anyone is only one wonderful experience away from turning their life completely around, and you are only one tiny instance away from gaining purpose......THAT'S IT......that's all that is holding you back.......if your life suddenly had purpose, you would happily throw all of these worthless thoughts away and stop cooking in your own disgust......how do you know it won't happen tomorrow???....will it to happen, force it to happen with your best effort yet, stand up and give one more try with all of your might.....you said yourself that you've got 60 years to spare.....so for the next 1 year, do your best and see......
i never really understood what was written in the Bible until i was given a version that was easy to read......NCV-New Century Version is written in language that talks like we do today, not some old King James text where every other word is "thou" or "begat"...biblegateway is a website that will allow you to read NCV text....i'm not even going to ask you to read the entire Bible, just one part called The Book of Job......
like i said, at this point what do you have to lose?
It pissed me off at first to learn this fact. I thought it was something that just happened to me.
But I found that I had a choice...& my choice was: I just don't give a shit anymore.
Also no one has ever died from a panic attack. :)
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