Great to find a place like this where I can vent my feelings!!
My life seemed to be back in track, I come from a little town: went for an exchange program to the us where I met the love of my life, he was smart, funny, we get along very well... he had plans of moving but after we met he decided to stay in chicago just so we can stay together. After the year, I was supposed to go back to my country, finish my master there and then go back to marry him and live happily ever after, then a little opportunity came out to finish my master in paris instead.. we talk about it and we decided to take the chance..everything seemed great then, he got a good job and i had the chance of living in paris again for a while.
Paris is great if you live in the city, but I was doing the master in the outskirts ... I never experience so much loneliness in my life, and that little decision screw my life completely, days were horrible, the place where i was didn't have any shared room so I passed my days alone in a room staring the building in front of my window, i don't desire that to anybody, was an ugly neiborhood where i couldn't stay until late anywhere, and so alone, unable to speak your own language, im sure if I was found dead nobody would ever care there, I had insomnia the whole year: sleep at 4am woke up at 8am , I skype with my bf in chicago, I hold to that...until suddenly he stop calling, i knew he had visits so somehow i understood, but Ioneliness was so strong that i did something stupid, and without talking before i took off our fb relationship, next day he didn't call, afterwards he called and we fight and I overreact and was waiting for an apology but instead I got a break up, I thought we could be over it somehow, we loved each other so much that the little fight was not enough to break things ... we still talk a bit, i had little hope but afterwards I did something even more stupider: a male friend invited me to go to visit him, at the moment I saw a relief, I was lonely, away from home, surrounded by mean people, so I didn't think twice and went with him, I don't feel any attraction whatsoever to him but it was to see a friendly face; my bf had mention to me that he was going to Vegas so I thought it was fair also to go on a trip.. now I realized was a huge mistake cause probably that made him think I had found somebody, I even post the pics on fb with this friend, and now I see was a huge mistake and take off all the opportunities we could have... then, the break went real: He wouldn't reply any of my mails, I would call him and he would reply in a rude way ... and so we stop comunicating.
Is being more than a year since then and my heart hasn't been able to recover since then, I wish he would have done something mean to me or something horrible so I could use that hate to tell myself: "is ok, you haven't loss much" . Since that day my life has being a descending way to hell...
I apply for a phD program in paris, was the best school ever and had pass the interview, I had hope on that but since I was all down and depressed and crying constantly I forgot to do some paperwork and for that little thing I lost the opportunity for the phD ... I decided then to go back to my country, I had home there, family, friends and desperatedly needed friends or just some person willing to hear me.
Now I'm here, the friends I family i was expecting to see is all gone since all the years passed, my friends have already husbands and children, people is moving on everywhere I see, and I'm stuck .. I have no motivation to pursue things, my ex-bf ignores me completely and I feel like a total loser stalking his fb waiting for a sign, sign hasn't appear and today I realized is never going to appear again.
The guys I meet seem all like a bunch of losers compared to him, and years are passing by fast and I'm realizing I will probably end up alone.. on top of that, I can't find a good job, i have no motivation to move away, i have no friends whatsoever: when they see you are doing good they are around you, but now that they see me all down I feel that nobody wants to hang up with me, I stop telling my story so I won't annoy people, but there is a sadness inside my heart that doesn't stop, I feel I let my soulmate go and now that I lost the love opportunity, I don't even have a job or something that could make up for it,
Don't know what to do, everything looks so dark. I lost everything and he get rid of a problem, he is doing just fine and I know is not correlated but that makes me feel even more miserable :( | |
(For one thing delete your facebook permanently-- it can be done, just look it up. That thing is trouble.)
Rememeber: A soulmmate--you can't lose. Love is unconditional. Hey you're in France, you know, thats really romantic.
Good luck to you. I hope we can both figure out how to move past that feeling that you've lost your chance at true love.
To the 25 years old anonymous Thanks for sharing your story, looks like i still have a year to go :/ .. let's catch up in 2013 to check if something improve in our lives, I'll be around if you need to vent , at least when you are depressed in company it goes better :P
my opinion-:
1) you know you are a big loser.
2) you will always remain so your whole life.
but do not worry there are lots of people like you.
Start looking at the cup as half full not half empty. For one, you have your health, you can see, talk, hear and walk. Many people have disabilitys where they cant walk or talk etc.. I'm not trying to guilt trip you I'm just saying count your blessings. If you cant find a job, go volunteer, get a small job, just get active. Join a church, join a class of some sort (cooking class, book club, music class, etc..) you have a lot to offer the world, and theres a great guy out there for you better than the previous guy. As for whats changed my life, Jesus has, if you want me to go into it I can, thats up to you though.
Anyway, stop looking at the negatives all the time, have hope, be strong, the future holds great things for you.
I'll bet you didn't ask for all that long reply :) but anyhow thanks for taking the time to write, for real.
Regarding your belief, there really isin't any proof that anything in the bible is a falacy. The most respected historians agree that a man named Jesus did live, and was crucifed. Plus there were hundreds of eyewitness accounts of Jesus's return from the dead. There is a lot of accurate history in the bible watch "The Case For Christ" on youtube its a great documentary on the evidence for Jesus, please watch it, its entertaining if nothing else. You can believe what you will but please examine and educate yourself on the subject before you throw it out the window. Which side adds up more, big bang theory or the existense of a creater, I cant tell you what to believe (obviously) I do hope things get better for you though whether you believe in God or not. Anyway, sorry to get off topic, but I thought it was important to note.
Regards, please get help for your depression.
Regards
Is hard to live in the second way, but i do believe in some sort of higher power , or something more than just what we can see materally , christianity was the religion that we got as being born in occident, but it would be too pretentious to think is the real deal..cause we certainly don't know the whole picture.
I WROTE TOO LONG too! :) . I appreciate your answer and I hope that slowly can find some spiritual answer and start getting out of this, as the first person said: LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL A SOULMATE YOU CANNOT LOSE is just hard to realized that probably the other person was not completely into me, it lowers the self steem and you start to long for the past and probably that's what's happening to me.
it was not like a selfish decision either, i took it while I was together with my bf and represented the proof that we love strong enough as to overcome the distances .. sadly was not the case, and now I'm left with a huge hole in the heart instead...but there is a tiny hope inside that i would be able to came out of this.
Yesterday i met someone who had her first baby at 37 , it kind of cheer me up to realized there is more time and 30 is not too old :)
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