LIFE SUCKS

Nobody out there for me.

One day I have hope and the next I do not. I have not had what you call a real relationship. I have used sex to get near men often resulting in more severe loneliness. I am a plus sized female. However, I see plus sized persons in relationships. It feels like I turn men off. I admit I tend to flirt. I thought only to show I am interested. One guy I have been in love with for so long. I guess you can say I was infatuated with him. We hit and miss getting together. One day I slipped and told him how much I care for him. I would be willing to relocate back home for him. All I want is to have a husband and a couple of kids. I want someone to hold me when I am feeling down. I want to be able to show that person how much I love them and the same given to me in return. My mother doesn't understand. She has a husband and she had me (the husband came years after me). She once told me that she knew I was growing up and moving on with my life and she would be left behind so she got married. We the not so funny fact is I have not gone anywhere, done anything, and have no one including her in my life. It is hard to fight the tears while I write this. I ask God why me. I am a nice person and do good things. What is so wrong with me that no man wants me to be his wife? I am 35. The years are passing me by. I now feel that I will never marry or have children. I will become an old maid. I have had some tough times which could have been easier to get through if I had the loving arms of a man to hold me. Sex is meaningless without have a true connection with that person. I want that connection. I repented for messing with a married man. I tried to become a born again virgin but when I started to realize that I will never have anyone in my life I began to have sex again just to be close to a man. I had sex with the man I love so dearly in hopes that he would want me. He kept saying I don't want to get married again (he's been divorce 2 times) and he doesn't want anymore children (he has only 1). Those are the two things that I desire so greatly - a lovely monotonous husband and at least one child of my own. I see some of the people who are in relationships and anyone is having a child these days and I can't help but wonder what is wrong with me. I love to have fun. I am funny. I am intimate. I like to travel and explore. I am adventurous. I am smart/intelligent. I am educated with a master's degree. I attend church. I am active. I have to so much to offer yet no one wants to accept it. Recently in my efforts to forget the love of my life, I started another sexual interaction. He is older with grown children (even grandchildren). He doesn't want to be married or have anymore kids. First thing he said to me is "I hope this doesn't mess up our friendship". After one time, we communicated once. Everyday I hurt. When I come home to nothingness. When I sleep alone. When I cook for one. When I go to the movies. When I just live life everyday. Why do I have to be alone forever. My mother tells me "stop thinking about that so much....you act like your are the only single person in the world....I am tired of hearing about it". Well forget you. These are real feelings. I don't even want to want a husband and children anymore to keep my heart from aching over it. I give myself headaches because I am LoveLess. I feel incomplete and broken. It is if God said I am not worth that kind of joy. I am a big slut and nobody wants me because I was damaged from birth. As another lonely Valentine's day approaches, the tears are already beginning to flow daily after work. Another year knowing no one cares about me and will never love me is too heartbreaking. I was hoping that 2012 would bring a change to my life - my career, home, education, love. Yet a solemn reminder that it will not be. I've prayed and tried to refocus my attention to no avail. I need to finish a major project but I can't because I do not have the motivation and cannot get the encouragement having a man in my life would bring. I am so tired. This has truly defeated me more than anything. I have lost several jobs, worked my ass off to make ends meet, obtain my education and license which has not majorly helped my career, and have an okay place to live. The support of a significant other would give me the extra attention I need. I don't have the money to try online sites so my hands are tied there. I am a big girl but I am not 500lbs. I don't know who much longer I can take this. I have thought about suicide because I already feel like I am in hell. The "I can't s" are taking over. "I can't find a good job. I can't finish my dissertation. I can't get a man. I can't have children (no man wants to knock me up). I can't move because of job situation. I just can't anymore." I don't go nowhere or do nothing because I do not have anyone to go with. I have tried this "go alone" thing. It is not working anymore. I am so miserable and mad. My life sucks.