LIFE SUCKS

yeah..so.

Hey. I came to this website because my life is seriously fucked up and I just really want somewhere to write it all down. If you read all of this, wow. Either you're bored and have nothing else better to do, or maybe you actually care and might want to help me. Either way, here it goes:

Life is shit. Life is shit and I want to die, but the will to live on, to survive, is too largely ingrained in the human psyche that suicide is almost impossible. At least that's the way I see it. I tried once...didn't work. I guess I just want pity or something? Not sure. Anyways, I honestly just don't know what to do. I am always trying to please people, probably because I could never please my parents. My "mother" is an alcoholic..and my dad just doesn't care. Neither of them do really....and neither do my so called "friends". None of them ever listen to me when I have something to say, so I just bottle it all up inside. My mom is NEVER there for me, my dad wouldn't understand. I'm constantly cleaning up my shitty house because of all our pets. I use them for comfort, but it's really difficult to take care of all of them by myself.

Then there's my boyfriend. I love him, at least I think I do. It's only been 2 months that we've actually been DATING, and last week I think I got emotionally/mentally manipulated into giving him a hand job. I didn't really want to, because when we got intimate the FIRST time, he later told me he regretted it and he wanted to go slow. I was a bit hurt, but I agreed. Then right before he started getting intimate again, I freaked out and told him I thought he wanted to go slow...he made some excuse I don't even remember now, and then yeah..stuff happened. I didnt even really want to do it...

THEN, there's this other guy. We get along soooo well, I feel so connected to him. He said he loves me, and I feel like a terrible person because I like him too. We have kissed before, and I expressed to him how guilty I felt for cheating. I feel terrible, I can't eat, I'm nauseous, and every time I say "no" to the other Guy #2 he makes me feel terrible. He makes me feel like I'm rejecting his very soul or something. And he always makes passes at me at school, and I feel like I can't reject him. And if I stop talking to him so I dont feel so stressed anymore, he will tell everyone things about me that I've told him in confidence that it wouldn't get out. Also, he would tell his ex, who happens to be my best friend, that we kissed, and then she would ruin my life.
Honestly, just ruin what little life I do have.

THEN, there is my appearance. I honestly hate the way I look, and there is nothing I can do to change it. I'm mixed with a whole bunch of races, and it's really difficult for me to feel like I fit in. Plus, my hair is just crap. Just total complete crap. I hate it so much. It's too much of a mixture of all my different races. Plus, all the other girls at my school are so pretty and skinny, i hate them. I also hate them because of their personalities. They are sooo rude.

Plus, I think I'm going crazy. There are voices in my head, they constantly insult me, they try and make me do stupid things. Most of the time I can keep them quiet, but sometimes they drive me insane. Also, I don't remember alot of my childhood. I remember some of the things, mostly the really bad stuff. But I think my brain tries to suppress everything.

Anyways, so I guess I'm done for now. If I think of anything else...I guess I'll write another story.

see ya