32 - married with child. Several bouts of employment, unemployment, being taken for granted, getting upset about it - and feeling like people mock me and don't see my value. Many say I am attractive, intelligent and funny - but I cannot shake this hideous depression and the want to end it all and feeling shitty about not having the minerals to do it.
I just had my first daughter and she is an infant. Her dad and I just separated and she lives with him because he is unemployed - and we can never end a conversation without arguing. I owe $60k in student loans+ and I have absolutely no outlet and no support system. Every time I am in a job position - I try so hard to be flexible and eager to please so that I can keep my job - that they plug me in anywhere and I lose face doing jobs that I feel are "beneath" me. I prove my worth - but never get any recognition or praise - or am given the chance to rise. I have been stagnant for years.
The fact that my daughter is in the world makes me want to keep trying - and I don't off myself for the possibility that someday she may need me - but sometimes I look at her and feel that she would be better off without me. I'm drowning in debt, I hate where I live, I suffer from depression, I just lost my health benefits, I'm behind on my rent - and I feel everyone feels like I'm a disapointment. My career is garbage, my kid doesn't really know me, I don't get along with my husband, his family thinks I'm a piece of shit for not being with my daughter, I have no one to console me, and I can't afford to see my daughter more often than I do because she lives far away.
I'm a horrible mother, and I feel that no matter what - it neer comes out right.
| |
Bye and take care
harris.glob@gmail.com
New Comment