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It's all so complex

Posted by tuliplady at February 7, 2012
Tags: Attitude  2012 February  Job  Money

32 - married with child. Several bouts of employment, unemployment, being taken for granted, getting upset about it - and feeling like people mock me and don't see my value. Many say I am attractive, intelligent and funny - but I cannot shake this hideous depression and the want to end it all and feeling shitty about not having the minerals to do it.

I just had my first daughter and she is an infant. Her dad and I just separated and she lives with him because he is unemployed - and we can never end a conversation without arguing. I owe $60k in student loans+ and I have absolutely no outlet and no support system. Every time I am in a job position - I try so hard to be flexible and eager to please so that I can keep my job - that they plug me in anywhere and I lose face doing jobs that I feel are "beneath" me. I prove my worth - but never get any recognition or praise - or am given the chance to rise. I have been stagnant for years.

The fact that my daughter is in the world makes me want to keep trying - and I don't off myself for the possibility that someday she may need me - but sometimes I look at her and feel that she would be better off without me. I'm drowning in debt, I hate where I live, I suffer from depression, I just lost my health benefits, I'm behind on my rent - and I feel everyone feels like I'm a disapointment. My career is garbage, my kid doesn't really know me, I don't get along with my husband, his family thinks I'm a piece of shit for not being with my daughter, I have no one to console me, and I can't afford to see my daughter more often than I do because she lives far away.

I'm a horrible mother, and I feel that no matter what - it neer comes out right.


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Comments:
By anonymous at 18,Feb,12 20:06

I have never been able to comprehend how two people can create life together but not be able to compromise enough to live together? Move in with your man, live as a family. It may be hard to get along but you need to keep the love and intimacy alive, be compassionate towards eachother and compromise for all your sakes.


By anonymous at 18,Feb,12 21:04

Remember one thing " YOUR DAUGHTER WOULD NEVER BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU" she is your responsibility now. Don't ever deprive her of motherely feeling else later 15-16 years people would find her writing her sad story on this kind of forums like what you are doing now !!!!!! I will sincerely pray for you and your daughter.
Bye and take care
harris.glob@gmail.com


By anonymous at 19,Feb,12 19:33

Jesus said "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:29.


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