I am 15 and I really dont like my life. I hate everything about it. I am a naturaly lazy person and I say I cant do anything to change it when the truth is that I just dont take the initiative to. I hate waking up to go to school and going to a place where nobody will pay atention to me. I have no friends while the one friend I used to have drifted away because of drugs. I sit alone at lunch because nobody wants to even stop to say hi. People always make fun of me because I wear skinny jeans, threaten to beat me up and say im a faggot. I have nothing against homosexuals but im sure I like girls. To bad I am always to shy or afraid to talk to them. For a while the girl of my dreams acctualy liked me for a while but suddenly stopped talking to me and later left my school. I also hate school mostly because I am to lazy to do any of my school work and I end up failing. I always hear kids talking about colledge and scholerships while I sit there and wonder what Im going to turn out to be. I come to class every day and never have my homework. Instead I write notes to myself about how much I hate living the way I do. I never have my homework because I am adicted to videogames. The only friends I have are on xbox live and playing xbox is the only thing I ever want to do even though I know its a waste of time. I dont play sports or go on vacation with my family. I started smoking weed but I can rarley buy any because I have no friends and I dont know anybody. On another note, every time I get home from school I have to deal with a stepdad who has OCD and a messed up childhood who will beat up on me for stupid things like not rinsing a dish. My mom says she cares about me but she doesnt leave my stepdad who treats us all like crap. The thing I like doing the most lately in class is contemplating my death in the middle of class. I always start to tear up but nobody seems to notice or care. I remember one day I walked out of math class because I was so depressed and when I shut the door behind me I could hear the class laugh because I was crying. I just dont understand. Im not ugly or mean and ive never purposly set out to hurt anyone. I dont know why I am so alone and why people have to be so cruel. I dont want to live anymore. I was walking home today and I wondered what it would be like if I were to just jump in front of a bus. Im just to much of a whimp to kill myself. I just wish I had the strength to change or kill myself. | |
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