I am not a bad person. I do the best that I can..even if its never enough. My biggest problem is that I care about people that don't give a crap about me. well that is unless I can do something for them. I have never been good enough for anyone in my life. No one cared where I was or who I was with or even what I was doing, even as a child. No one has ever loved me. My father does his own thing and only calls me when he needs something. He doesnt even spend time with his grandchildren. My mother used me up and spit me out. I have to give her props though. I always knew she didn't want me..but it floored me how she screwed me and her grandchildren out of house and home. She definatly got me good. No one else will..I am more vigilent now. I have no friends because it always seems they need my help and I always do what I can. When the tables are turned no one cares to see how they may help. I am raising my kids alone. Their dad hasnt been seen by them more than 10 times in 10 years. And when he does he says its my fault and i keep them from him and tells my kids i don't love them I just don't want him to see them.
I feel like I am in a huge pit of quick sand. The harder I try to improve life for my kids the deeper I fall. I am begining to feel the quick sand in my lungs and no longer have any fight left in me. I have prayed and prayed. I used to think that GOD will not give you more than you can handle, I used to think he just made a mistake and thought I was She-ra or something. Now it doesn't even matter. I am on antidepressents but they are not helping. I cry all of the time. I am calous towards just about everything now. I feel like I am being crushed and there is nothing that I can do. I have survived through abuse, molestation, hatefulness, just so much and yet this is where I am. The only thing I am thankful for is my children. Even my daughter who hates me and can't stand me and has no respect for me. That is probally my fault because I am so screwed up that I am probally a horrible mother to have. I never wanted much out of life. Simple things make me happy yet I can not tell you the last time I was happy..even for a moment. I don't remember that last time I smiled and it wasnt forced. I can't stand to be around my family anymore because all I hear is about how well everyone else has it and how I screwed my life up. None of them really want me around unless it is to do something for them yet if I don't go around then I am an awful person for not visiting my family. None of them visit me though. None of them call me. I am so tired. I am so tired that there must be another word to better state my feelings. I just cant think of anything but tired. I don't care if anyone reads this. Or even if someone does, I don't really care of their thoughts because it won't change where I am at. It just feels good to put it into words even if i can't bring myself to tell anyone else how I feel. Not that much better, but better. | |
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