I want to kill myself. I won;t though as I know the ripple effect and I believe that life IS beautiful and there is a reason for living, but I am stuck in a rut. I am fucked off. I studied Law at Uni. I wasnt very good but I managed to get a good grade at the end of it. Everyone was like oooh youre studying Law thats so good you will get a good job and career etc.
I finished at the end of 2010. I have been doing temporary work for a bit from 2010 to August 2011. Since then I have been unable to find work. I am going fucking gaga. I email and call and send applications daily. I have been for interviews. I went for an interview last Weds and they said they would make a decision by Thursday. I am still waiting. I have just emailed them to follow up. They said they would be making a decision by Thursday but keep me fucking waiting ! What is this !!! Whenever I am in a position of authority and I have to make decisions involving HUMAN BEINGS I am going to be straight up and honest. I can take the truth. If you dont want me for the job - TELL ME, dont keep me hanging like a puppet. I have put on weight, without even realising ! I used to work out 6 days a week and I used to have a spring in my step, and I used to wonder about the world, but now I look in the mirror and see a slow death. That is dramatic yes. I am incredibly lucky and have a lot to be grateful for however I am still fucking pissed off with this situation. I wish I didnt fucking go to University it's a waste of time, effort and fucking money. I am living with my parents. Luckily for me, I get on well with them so thats ok. However, I am soon to be 24 and I am living at home and I have no fucking money to my name. I don't have my driving licence. I feel like i am absolutely redundant in the world and I feel like I have no purpose. It's hard to motivate myself but I keep going because I am not going to let this situation break me. I think to myself oh I could be a Nurse or drive a bus or a train (I can't even legally drive a fucking car who am I kidding), or go back to Uni and study ! Haha as if, I mean the fees have increased tenfold in England and also I just want to fucking work, not be a degree collector !!! I believe in God and I believe this is just part of my life course, I am doing everything I can. I went for an interview with an airline yesterday, well yesterday was the assessment day as they called me back. They rejected me. Assholes. I went for one last year too in April and they rejected me too. Fucking bastards ! I am absolutely 100% willing to get up in the morning every fucking day and go to work and do my thing and stay overtime if necessary. I have had three interviews for a 'receptionist' role with an International bank, but the last interview was 2 weeks ago and the fuckers still havent let meknow the outcome. Three interviews for a receptionist role - I'm not applying to be a partner or CEO for fucks sake !!!!! This is hard, I am losing myself, I look in the mirror and see a slow death, I havenothing to offer and feel absolutely .... insignificant. I wish I had some visible talent like, the ability to sing, dance, act, then I could be a little bitch and go to Drama/Art school and train to do what I love, I have no visible talent. Oh whatever. My time will come. I can't top myself. So I keep going. And hope for better days .. Things could always be worse.