I am feeling down about many issues and looked for some place mostly to vent when I found this site. I am 56, smart enough to earn two degrees, but dumb enough not to choose a practical skill. My BA in journalism might have been usable if I'd pursued it, but my MFA is in English. Short of teaching, I'm qualified for almost nothing. My giving a resume may seem showy, but I started this way because a huge part of my depression comes from being middle aged and able to have accomplished so much, but succeeding at nothing.
I married later in life in my 40s. I truly love my wife, but I blame her for a lot too, though I never talk about it to her. She loves kids and babysits four days a week for next to nothing. That leaves it up to me to earn enough to support us. In this economy that is almost impossible on one income. I've worked two jobs for five years. My part time job just laid me off, and it is difficult to find another part time job that can fill the needed hours and keep my full time job happy. My wife has been diagnosed with divertiulosis. It took me until five years ago to find a job offering health benefits, but the insurance covers one CT scan a year. We're going hand-over-fist into medical debt.
I write (the MFA thing above), but I lack the ambition and knowledge to market my writing, so it is little more than a hobby. Then, it's hard to get the gumption to write when I know that I need to turn my actions into money. I do almost nothing, have no hobbies to speak of that cost money, beyond a few. We have internet and cable, mostly for something to do while my wife is babysitting. And I do smoke. I know all of the bad things about smoking, particularly the cost. Part of me feels, perhaps as an excuse, that when I give up cigarettes my entire life will be about earning money, even though I can't earn enough to matter.
Probably, this last thing is the worst. My full time and current job is as a night auditor in a hotel. Frankly, it ticks me off, having to wipe a smile on my face to deal with guest problems all the time. Don't get me wrong, I am a nice guy, but seeing these people who earn six-digit incomes and having to get them ice, just makes me feel worse.
I think my life is emblematic of many, many, many more, with only mildly altered details. Everything in our society is about pretty people who have money. TV shows like Dr. Phil and Susan Orman give advice that is out of tune. "Take care of yourself." I have to pay rent, buy food and pay bills or starve. When I do something for ma, like smoke, I can't afford it and need to quit. Going to shelters to volunteer is for people who can afford the time. I feel like I'm almost in the shelter, getting the soup. I don't have a clue how to help myself and like many of you, feel like I'm some useless slime. It's hard to build self-esteem when you exhausted and below the poverty line. | |
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