LIFE SUCKS

Fag Doctor

Hi, nowadays I'm a physician at Brazil. You´d guess that doesn´t suck all that much, but read my story.

I was born in a very catholic family. Since from a young age, I´ve known I was gay. My family, obviously, totally condemns it. I´ve never had a fag hint. I´m manly, although I suck at sports and have always been kind of geeky and I think as a kid I was somewhat of a autist, I´ve never given a hint of being gay.

Although my dad is kind of an alcoholist, he´s never beaten myself, my mother or my brothers. My family was poor, but raised me lonvingly to be a good guy, with high expectancies because from a young age I´ve been kind of a genious.

I went trough elementary and high school badly, always been bullied, because I was kind of an autist, totally disconnected from reality, and that atracts lots and lots of bullying.

When it came the time to choose a carrer, I chose medicine, because in this awful country, the only carrer that gives you some stability is medicine. I didn´t even know at the time how it would turn out or if I really wanted it. I was intelligent, and so it is in this country that everybody who can do well at tests ends up doing medicine.

Went through college hating it. Hated my friends, who treated me like crap. My family is not rich and tuition is high for medicine, so I didn´t have any money for anything else but paying for college and my friends were more wealthy, treated me like crap. Never had a girlfriend, tried hooking up with girls but obviously it didn´t work out.

Then I graduated at something I lacked passion and interest, but I had hopes for it. Medicine looked like something humanitary, like I could help people. Then I started working. In a poor country, medicine blows, because you study north-american wealthy medicine, and here, people die because there are no hospitals, because the fat taxes-rich government does nothing for its people. I started to hate working, but to pay bills, I had to. I failed miserably in the choice of carrer. Then I went to do residency, being payed like two dollars an hour to work a hundred hours per week, thinking if I specializes I was going to do better and like it.It didn´t work, I´m finishing my residency and I still hate seeing patients and suffer from the dying careless health system.I´ve grown fatter trough these years and wasted my youth working at something I don´t have any passion for, and didn´t gain any money.

Then again, I´m gay. I´ve never done anything about it until I graduated, for fear of being kicked out of my parent´s house and not being able to support myself. Then I, completelly innocent and out of gay scene, started sseking relationships online. My first relationship was with a guy who ripped me off for teo thousand bucks. My second relationship was with a rich guy, who I disliked. Then my third relationship I fell in real love, madly, passion and all. I moved out because of the residency and asked him to come with me. Three years since, and I support him and pay his tuition to college, all working more hours at awful emergencies night shifts, I sleep at home like two nights a week. I love him, but he´s so financially demanding, and he can´t seem to get a decent job, and also no jobs in this country pays well.

Then I made the mistake of telling my family about him. I was thrown out of the house, I haven´t spoken with anyone of my family for three years now, he is my only family. And I fear my few friends finding out about me being gay, because that would jeopardize my carrer and fuck up my life. But I love him deeply and by more of a money-sucker he is, I have no strength to leave him. Because I'm gay, I'm afraid of having long-term friendships, and although as an adult I'm easy to live with and have overcommed most of my autism, I have almost no friends, because I'm afraid they will turn their backs on me as my family did becaus I'm gay.

And this hellish country, people have no education, are very poor, agressive with physicians, I've been almost beaten by patientes dozen of times, been threatened by patientes, working as a resident who is paid like nothing to be there, being overloaded with work and responsibility and nobody seems to care for it. The families I don´t why take no responsibility for their ill, don´t visit, don't care for them, don't want them back home, but are always in your neck wanting to know every little detail they would never understand about the condition of the patient.

I hate my job and my carrer, I am in a relationship I don´t want anymore but I have no srength to get out, and I hate myself for being a fucking fag, and I miss my family so much sometimes I can't stand. My life certainly doesn´t suck as much as the life of other people I've been reading in this site, but I still hate it. And te thing I most hate is that I'm 27, wasted my youth and never done nothing I liked with my life, and I've always had high expectancies for my life because I'm really intelligent, but I waste it all in this carrer I hate. I've thought of suicide all the time when growing up, and I've been thinking more and more as time passes, the chance to reset and try to start again this life, because being born gay has made it impossible for me to like myself. I hate myself and my life and that's why my life sucks.

PS: Writing this is so therapeutycal, it feels like I've put down a thousand punds from my head, I have nobody to talk these thing abut, have no friends, just my boyfriend with who I can´t talk about these things.