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I just don't know

Posted by jane at January 21, 2012
Tags: Attitude  2012 January  Meaninglessness

In 9th and 10th grade I cut myself. I stayed up all night on facebook, and was unable to feel anything for other people. I was diagnosed with depression. I took the pills. But then I resolved to live my life naturally- I didn't want to take medicine that altered who I was. Then in 11th grade I finally found someone that made me feel, and I fell in love. I tried so hard to be perfect for him and his family. I made excellent grades, stopped streaking my hair with different colors, and began baking so that I would be prepared for wife and motherhood. We've been together for over a year now and I feel like I sort of lost myself. I didn't know who I was before I met him, but he made me do happy, that it didn't matter. Recently I've missed a lot of school because I've been sick. Which means I've had to stay at home alot. I don't have very many friends since I started devoting myself to my future with my boyfriend.

And now I hate my life. It's so stagnant and boring. I don't want to go to college or have children, but I also don't want to be poor and alone. I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions by so many different things, that Im not the one living my life. I'm letting other people and things influence me to the point that I feel like what I want doesn't matter. I cry all of the time. I contplate suicide. Im thinking about ending my relationship with the most perfect guy ever. I want to shave my head and try drugs. But I can't- because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being alone. Every time I'm by myself I cry because I'm filled with fear and self- loathing.

I'm probably just another over privileged white girl who is too self-absorbed. I am beautiful and I know it. Yet I feel so ugly. I have money and a loving family. But I want more and feel so alone. I know my family would stock with me through anything, so I sort of want to go do everything... But I don't want to screw up my chances at a normal life.

I hate where I am in life. I want to break all of my ties and run away to discover myself. But then I think of all the people out there who can't afford those luxuries. So I shut mysf up and try to appreciate what I have...When the truth is- I'm not sure I want any of it.

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Comments:
By anonymous at 09,Feb,12 03:56

u know it's u who r sucking life.According to u, u r gud looking,have caring parents,all luxay,nice bf, what the hell u want now? See other people on this site,some hate their looks,many going through financial problems,jobless,dont have caring parents,orphans,raped,molested,unsuccessful in love,relationship and the list goes on. Dear,infact u still haven't faced the bitterness of life.
I wish u all the best. Do let me know how u find my post.
TC


By drew at 10,Feb,12 00:48

I am going through the same thing, but from the opposite end being a guy. I used to be depressed and cut myself and spend all my time on the internet, i feel your pain. I didnt ask to be given all this shit and i if you complain one tiny little bit then people are so quick to jump on it and say how happy you should be for all the stuff you have. Honestly just give it time, when your not sick anymore just to socialise with people, you will make friends that can help you through times like these, friends you can talk to and get advice from. Things will get better, you will come to learn who you truly are.

We can start small... I will be your first friend :)


By anonymous at 10,Feb,12 17:48

How wonderful that you've learned so much about yourself at such an early age! And no, I'm NOT being sarcastic. By all means, escape and go discover yourself. You have the rest of your life to settle down and be a wife. Go where your soul leads you.


By joe43288.myopenid.com at 18,Feb,12 06:35

it sounds as though you have depression and yes the medication does help, but you have to give it a chance. You can't resolve these things on your own. From what you have written, you have no reason to feel this way? Therefore it sounds as though you have a chemical imbalance that is causing this. Others will tell you I am crazy, but look it up for yourself. There are a lot of great ssri's out there which will make you feel better. I don't know what you were on, but if that doesn't work then switch to something else. I have a family history of depression, one of my degrees is in psych to better understand my self(I am by no means a doctor or making an assessment, but you should see a doctor about this) and have to take pills everyday to feel normal. I have gone through six or seven medication failures(they stop working), but always end up stabilized within a few days of a failure. These are all things a good doctor(not a money making doctor with allegiance to certain pharma companies and they do tend to prescribe way to high of a dose in fear of suicide off the bat) will be able to help you with. I went through two psychiatrist myself before just going to my family doctor.


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