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Secrets I've kept

Posted by fruit at January 18, 2012
Tags: Attitude  2012 January

I'm only 20 years of age. I've been severely bullied as a child which left me self conscious, insecure and suspicious of everyone that I befriend. Eventually, I drive them away because I'm so suspicious of them.
I have been raped which led me to closing myself in more. I never told anyone because I never thought anyone would believe. The guy was a work colleague. And he would tell me things on shift such as "no one would believe you, it was just a bit of fun."
I do have a boyfriend, who I've told, but he doesn't believe me, I know it. I am at university but I don't want to be. I only went because I felt pressured to by my parents. My brother who is five years older than me graduated with a 1st and is living the life as the perfect son. I hate my course, hate the university, hate living on my own.
Sometimes I think a lot of people have worse lives than I have. And I know I'm right. A lot of people do have worse off lives than I. This makes me ungrateful for what I have. But similarly, I can't cope. I self harm and I have suicidal thoughts, knowing how much easier it would be to just end this constant battle I have with myself.
I look at myself in the mirror and I hate myself. I feel more alone than I have ever felt in my life, even when I was bullied.
I don't like anything about myself, if I try and think about myself to try and think of something I like, I feel physically repulsed and i just start to cry because I can't.
I just need people to hear what I have to say. I'm not expecting nice comments or anything, just to write it down to get it out of my head is enough.


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By at 08,Feb,12 01:33

I'm sorry that you were raped and bullied. It hurts reading that. My girlfriend was raped before we started going out and I saw how much it can hurt a person. When I met her, she was very insecure and blamed herself.

There is good news. Your life doesn't stay like that. The thing you need most right now in your life is your own circle of friends. You need someone to tell you that theres more to your life than a few incidents. There's so much more to life and to you as a person.

Today, my girlfriend is the happiest person ever. It's not just because of me. She is doing what she loves (teaching kids) and she goes to the gym, has her own circle of friends, and feels like every day she lives happily.

It didn't happen overnight. But that can be you. The fact that you're on this site writing means you're already taking the first step. Try finding a group of people you trust and you'll see that theres nothing horrible about you.

If you can't find anyone at school, find an online community like this site. I promise there are people out there that want to listen and help and be your friend.

And please, don't hurt yourself. Deep down, you know that's not the solution. Doing that will waste your life. You've only lived bad things. Wait til you live the good ones and you'll see getting through this part is worth it.


By anonymous at 09,Feb,12 07:18

i know dat feel, sis.
i was raped in the age of 16 and i hate myself and all the male half of humanity for this. i`m cutting myself just to take away misery and pain. i hate my life, i hate this world


By at 13,Mar,12 23:07

I know exactly how your feeling, I was molested at the age of 16 and now that I'm 19 I feel the effects and the worry and stress come on. It is very hurtful and for a long time I blamed myself for it why I don't know but you shouldn't blame yourself. I also am a college student, I'm a sophomore and it is hard trying to go to school and work at the same time. I never said anything not even til this day I didnt even tell my mom that I was molested by someone who was very close to us, but I actually just prayed and let God handle the situatuion he is the only one that who can help us no matter what. I feel for you because I had a bf and I told him and he helped me with a lot but we broke up because of certain problems, but there is so much hope for you and you can do whatever you put your mind to.


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