LIFE SUCKS

Alone

I don't know why I'm writing this, but I guess it's good to just tell my story, and try to let it behind me, if it's possible... It's a long text, but if you want to skip it to the brutal parts, they are in the end.

Why is it that by now it hurts so much to be alone? When I was young I used to like being alone, spending some time by myself, watching the movies I like (my movie taste isn't very common) and playing music...

Since then I've got married very young (at 21), with my first girlfriend, who I had met when I was just 14. We didn't stay all this time together (from 14 to 21), though, as we had broken up a couple of times, and stayed most of the time apart.
When I got back together with her the last time, I was turning 21. I learned she had a kid (who wasn't mine), but she had a complicated story with her ex, and the kid didn't have a father.

Anyway, I've had let myself get very involved in this relationship with her. It was partly because I felt at the time that it was so hard to have a relationship, me being how I am, sensible and a little shy, even though I'm sure I'm very handsome.
Anyway, I've got involved, the kid started seeing me as a father figure and it didn't take long for him to call me dad. And she and me were what seemed to be deeply in love, and I got married.

My life changed very much since then. I was a student at the time and I had to work in any other time I wasn't studying, and at some time I ended up leaving home at 5:30am and arriving back at midnight. It was very stressful, but I had now a family to support.
I ended up stopping college to be able to work better and I actually found something I was very good at and got an amazing job. I started to get payed very well and even started giving lectures abroad about what I was doing.

But for this job I had to dedicate a lot, and I ended up being distant from my friends and things I liked, as I had no time to do it all, specially having a family to support.
At this time our relationship started to go bad. She didn't want to find a job, and stayed home all day doing nothing. I tried to support her as I could so she could work at home, maybe, but nothing worked. She started to get very distant and it seemed very sad. I then talked to her that she needed to do something about that, she needed to get her life back on tracks, and thing things over. I didn't want to see time pass her by and see her depressed.

To my surprise, at that moment she said she wanted a break. I gave her a break and went back to my parents' house for some time. I was actually, to be honest, not very worried if we were going to split, because I was also very tired of her being distant and just indifferent, and I thought at the time it was better to live a better life split apart than like how we lived.
But then she called me crying and said she could never live without me. She wanted us back together.

To my surprise, also, nothing changed after that, and when we talked she told me something that would change the way I treated her. She told me she found out she had CANCER, and that's why she was so sad.

I was DESOLATED when I found out about this, and I started doing everything I could to make her happy. She started seeing her highschool friends, and she didn't want me around her. And I was stupid to be ok with it, as I thought she could die. She didn't want me to get involved with her "treatment", but all my income was spent allegibly on this "treatment". I spent more than 10 thousand dollars on this, and started to have lots of debts because of it. She started to suddently go missing by days, even weeks, going to trips, as she said she wanted to enjoy her life while she had one.

I of course wasn't happy at all with all of this, but I thought that if she died and I left her alone I'd never forgive myself for that.

Needless to say, I found out later that it was all a lie, and she was in fact having lots of lovers and she was using that money, which had put me in debt, for her own pleasures.

It's been an year since we divorced. I am now 26. and I feel so lonely, and so angry.
Most of my best friends are physically far from me right now, and the ones that are still close, and there are very few which I feel like opening up really. All my college friends are also distant right now, each one following his own path, and I feel like I have lost the moment in life for things to come together. Most women I know that had mutual attraction with me are now engaged in a relationship, and I just feel so... Lonely...

It hurts very bad. Specially with all the anger I feel towards my ex. She has since prohibited me to see her kid, despite his suffering because of this decision, and I have no legal rights as I'm not his real father.

I just wanted to end this life... I see no meaning in it, and it's been a long time since I had a memorable time. I feel also so hurt right now that I don't think I'll ever let myself fall in love again, nor feel passion as I once felt.

Life sucks.