I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I'm so lost. i have to pick university courses and i don't know what i want to do with my life, nor do i have the money to afford the courses. My parents are bankrupt. My parents yell at me constantly, they're not the greatest and have abused me and my siblings before, my mom once strangling my sister. I was also abused during both of my only relationships, my last boy friend claiming: " I will NOT accept you not having sex with me. You will want me eventually." I never wanted to do anything with him... i did ask him to stop, i made him promise that he wouldn't try anything, but he broke that promise. he also lied to me telling me he was a virgin only to tell me later that he's slept with 5 other girls, some unprotected, and one girl claims he raped her. He would never just leave me alone and take his hands off of me. when i went to see him i always tried to look my best and where something nice, but he would always tell me i don't wear anything cute. My other one would humiliate me in front of his friends, always made fun of my body telling me that my breasts are too small, that my hair is a mess, and he would tell me to fuck my twin and be his little slut-nurse. after I had seen both of them I always felt like i had to scrub their hands off of me. Like most girls my age, I'm pretty concerned about the way that i look. i usually try not to look in the mirror because I'm disgusted when i do. Every time I eat i feel guilty. I've tried not eating, i always skip meals,I've tried throwing up, I work out until I'm crying, most of the time i work out for 2 or 3 hours at a time. I'm have social anxiety so going to work for me is torture, I'm terrified when i get there, and i don't have many friends there. I just generally hate myself. i have absolutely no purpose in life. I will always live under the shadow of my twin sister, she's done everything, visited peru, mastered three instruments, is social, out going, pretty, and funny. next to her I am literally dirt. I do try. so hard. but people just don't take to me. whenever i get bad marks in school i feel so terrible. one of my teachers hates me. i have no idea why. he took 8 marks off of my essay because i added commas in places that normally have commas, which if you're familiar with MLA formatting, usually looks like this (name, page)with the comma.
I'm so lonely. i just wish i had someone here for me, but i don't. I hate my self most of the time. i am happy in fleeting moments, but it NEVER stays for longer than an hour. Lately i've been cutting my self using razors, probably have about 40 scars from it. i only cut in places i can hide. I've tried to kill myself but the bar that i was trying to hang myself from broke. I just feel like I'm in so much pain and I'm constantly depressed. i like to hurt my self. the other day i took 30 shots at my concrete floor and told people i got my hand stuck in a door. I stay up late some times just so that i wont have to think much the next day because i'll be so tired that my mind will just drift. i have only a few friends, none that really get along with me that great. i just feel so fucking lonely, empty, and sad, all of the time. my life sucks and I'm only 17. | |
My heart goes out to you.............
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