LIFE SUCKS

I don't know

Hello to anyone who may be reading this,

I don't know where and how to begin, but allow me this moment to build up to my "frustrations" as I write along. And as you begin reading, please do not feel the need to continue on for I write solely to express my feelings and none other. I hope that I am able to commit as much of myself to this as I possibly could. Also, please note that I’m really not going to bother with my grammar as much so please don’t be judgmental.

I am twenty four years old. I am Asian but naturalized as a U.S. citizen sometime ago. I am currently trying to look for a job that I can actually do and perhaps enjoy. The problem of course is that I don't have a job experience here in the States so it's very difficult to find one. I'm only a high school graduate so I can't expect to find any job because I practically know nothing.

I've had a rough childhood growing up in the Philippines. I don't know my biological father and my biological mother died when I was eleven. I always feared and hated her though, since she was pretty rough on me (emotional, mental, and physical abuses). Then I lived with my grandparents and I went through a whole lot of intense manual, physical labour, from eleven to the age of sixteen. I thought life before was tough but this time I knew what it meant when people say “life is hell.” I’d experience almost every form of physical, mental, and emotional abuses possible (without physically dying) at this point in my life. The only exception was my grandmother because she didn’t abuse me in any way.

Then at the age of sixteen I got adopted by my current family. But I did nothing with my life since I got adopted from 2003 to 2008, except study and catch up to the rest of the world in hopes that education meant no more starvations and/or agony in general. And by study I mean an average of fifteen hours a day.

But it’s been very hard since I graduated high school in 2008. I started college and have attended a few, but have always had to stop because we don’t have money. My adoptive parents have practically been at the mercy of others when it comes to paying for our education. I’ve done a few part time jobs but of course the money I made is not even close enough to even pay for a semester of college. We’ve tried student aid, FAFSA, and whatever we could but we just couldn’t get any, I don’t know why.

I recently had two shoulder surgeries; rotator cuff and bicep tendon repairs. They’re because of all the work I did. The second surgery was done just three months ago. So my whole left shoulder is just in a bad condition. We don’t have money to see a doctor. The surgery money was just donated to us. I am also receiving food stamps and trying to get Medicaid. That said, the jobs available to me are very limited. However, I don’t have the time and luxury to sit around and wait for my shoulder to heal either.

Now, my parents have just been pushing us to get jobs as quickly as possible. I understand why but I just don’t have the physical, emotional, and mental strength to carry this one out this time. I feel I’ve had my shares of hardships in the last twenty four years of my life. I have CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) because of the life I had with my biological family. And for the last two years I haven’t been myself. I’ve been depressed, if not clinically depressed.

I have gone through a couple of depressions in the past but this time, it lingers. I have no social life because the only thing I know is work and survive. Time, unfortunately, has not put me in a position where I wouldn’t have to think of any of these, and simply have the time to socialize. I am just tired of looking for jobs and trying to finish school. I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore. I don’t want to be seen. I’m tired of my casual “I will do my best and succeed in life, no matter the hardships.” I suppose one could only hold true to that statement for so long. Hell, I’ve never even had a girlfriend and perhaps even a best friend.

All I’ve done is look at others’ lives and attend to my own. We live in the same physical world but separated by social hierarchy. Well, I suppose it’s not something I really care about anymore. Perhaps I was brought to this world to forever suffer the endless need and desire to have a better life. I can’t do anything. Not especially in my current state. I think a lot.

We are in a great hurry to find jobs but I am terrified because I am now a shell of my former self. Hollow and empty. I feel I’m losing my mind. I think of so many things.

Then there’s suicide. It’s a bitter-sweet idea. I wonder how much longer I will last before I take that path. I don’t really know why I’m writing here. I’ve never done anything like this. I don’t know if I want help or if I’ve just completely lost it all and decided to write here because after all, “So fucking what?” I preserve myself in hopes that one day things will loosen up. What a pathetic life. My heart is rotten. It’s been dead for a very long time. I don’t allow it to hurt, for my goal is get a better life. Be just like others in that one day I may be able to do things they do: hang out with friends, have some nice dinner at a fancy restaurant. I wonder what humanity is like if wealth is taken out of the equation.

Well, I guess I’ve written enough. I can’t write down the last twenty four years of my life and list all the things I’ve experienced. There would just be too much for me to write. And if you’ve read it this far, thank you.