Well, where to begin. I am 31 years old and feel like I don't know what to do with my life. I am depressed a lot and really lonely. I can barely even face the world, I feel like I don't know how, I never knew how. When I was a kid and teen, I had friends, I was fun-loving, liked going out, had a decent/normal childhood I guess.
But ever since I became an adult my life has gone downhill. All my friends moved on, my family moved on etc. I often feel like the scapegoat too. My family is dysfunctional and no one really has a relationship with one another. My whole life is literally alone and I have extremely poor self image and body image. And because of this I have social anxiety. Everything I do is really a challenge.
I have no clue how to make it in the real world, all the jobs I ever worked were shitty dead end jobs that were stressful and abusive. I never graduated high school, I got distracted and I was into drugs and hanging with the bad crowd. When to jail 3 times (all times I was innocent), but they were short stays. But they definitely contributed to some of my problems. I have been homeless before for about a year, and this also fucked me up too.
I never had any real friends, the only friends I had were pieces of shit. I have never had a girlfriend either, I mean I have had sex and kissed a few girls, but I never felt like anyone has liked me for me. Never felt loved by anyone.
But I don't hate myself, I used to. I felt it's no good to work against yourself. I used to not love myself but now I can say I kind of do. But aside from this I feel like I am existing rather than living. Right now I live with my mom, I am on SSI and spend most my days on the internet. because I have nothing to do. I really wanna change that, but I have to be realistic. With this SSI the payments are low I'd never make it on my own. So I figure I should get a job, but with the little experience and education I have I can only get shitty jobs. And I still can't even get the shitty jobs.
It is so frustrating. I got my GED last year, and barely started driving the year before. The only time I really go outside is when it is necessary, like grocery shopping and/or something important. And this still is such a challenge for me.
I feel like I have to learn to live all over again. Build up my life from the inside out starting with myself. But I don't know how or where to begin. All my life I never knew what I wanted to be "when I grow up". No guidance or direction so I am basically learning everything the hard way. Instead of living life, life is living me.
It would mean a lot to me if I had just one friend that actually liked me for me. But I feel if this were presented to me I would not know who to accept it. I am very uncomfortable with who I am and how I look. I guess I don;t image anyone liking me for who I am. In fact, I often don't know who I am anymore. I have lost my identity it seems over the years.
I just detach and withdraw from people. I am so fucking lonely but don;t know what to do about it. I only go outside for food and water, and I have started to make attempts to say HI or have some small talk with people at the stores but still feels like I get no where. Anyway, thanks for reading all this. |
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