LIFE SUCKS

Ups and Downs

Sometime last year I was running everyday exercising had stopped smoking for over a year and drinking using drugs for that matter found a good job to help pay for school and my truck but recently something has come up from the past that is now causing me great grief. I'm sure some people read what I say and get angry and think your life is worse and I need to be more thankful but it's what I feel and I wish nobody should have to feel what ever you are feeling and what I am feeling its not right your suppose to be happy in life that's how you progress and live life. Before I go any further I just want to explain a little about my self I'm 21 6'1 male 180 lbs kind of skinny most people get the impression but when I take off my clothes I have a fat stomach skinny lengthy arms and In my mind unattractive in appearance. Have a two loving parents who I love couldn't ask for anything more live in a house with food and a nice bed to sleep in that's where I find my self a lot recently because it seems like the only place I can escape from this. I'm kind of quiet or bashful but to my friends I'm not can joke around stuff have good times. I'm pretty sure the shyness or not talking a lot comes from a complex of social anxiety I have built up when I used drugs and when I was younger going through hard times but I was managing it well and was getting better all around life seemed to be improving in every aspect. But even then I have a lot of things I don't like about my appearance. I find my self lonely not a lot of friends spend way too much time on the computer when there is a big open world outside of this world I live in right now. Don't get me wrong I love my computer and funny stuff on the Internets but I think it has taken over my life for the past 10 years it seems like and its one thing to do it a little bit but spending hours on it doing pointless stuff just for personal leisure is bad I don't want to go into detail but you should get the idea. Reading this far if you have I'm sure you can assume I don't have much of a sex life people probably think this is funny I'm a loser call me what ever but I'm not a virgin nothing wrong with being one just saying I have had sex before just not in a while haven't had a girl friend or anything. I have a lifestyle and mentality I live by but its hard to even do it when all this stuff is going on. Recently everything seems too be slowly falling apart. Like 2 years ago I got in trouble was at a friends apartment they decided to get drugs and cops came in because the people at the little party let them in they walked in took us to jail for a felony. Now I am in this program to get rehabilitate my self and I have to take 2 UA every week this interferes with my work because I work overnight I have to go to court twice I month I just got in this program and I am already messing it up missed a court date I have to go to meetings 3 times a week and when I go to these meetings it makes me nervous as hell because I'm unsure what too say due to my anxiety that was getting better is now getting worse and I don't want to sound like a know it all because like I said before I'm sure people have been going through far worse then what I am now. But its like when I'm in these meetings everybody is just quiet and nobody says anything I get knots In my stomach feels like a big spot light is beaming down on me then afterwards when I talk to people I get nervous as hell or say the wrong thing feels like I don't think about what I say before I say it that eats at me more. Anyway I'm going off on every little thing I guess the only advice I can give my self is shut up and be a man. Its hard though before I got in this program I was taking suboxen and got really sick on them was in bed for 3 days in a state of pain and depression. It took forever for that to pass then things got back UP. Then shortly after that I went with a friend to a club and had some cocaine that's all I wanted to do but he pretty much made me take LSD and I knew that was not a good idea should not of even brought him but I had a horrible trip and embarrassed my self in front of a lot of people. It took a while to mentally recover from that once again I feel in this state of depression and being down and people can tell when its like this makes my social anxiety worse communication worse because I'm not happy its just hard. And let me say again this is before any of this legal stuff popped up before any of this life was peachy since then I am loosing way too much money I would have near 10k right now in my bank but from drinking to get away and spending money on unnecessary things paying for this legal stuff its going away too quick. Then once again it was new years went over to a friends house to get drunk ended up downtown took over 12 shots of vodka got separated ended up in the hospital with a catheter stuck up my penis they said I peed on someone but I cannot remember anything accept waking up in the hospital. I had to go to work that night for my 10 hour shift but was stuck. I finally got home puked up a gallon of black vomit called a team member at work and asked them to trade shifts luckily it worked that guy ended up having to work a extra hour because of how much work there was I should have been there. Like I said everything seems so negative why is all of this happening seems like the world does not want me to progress just 7 months ago everything was perfect if I had not spent any money since then on any of this bull shit I would have plenty of money for school and anything else I would probably be not in this state of depression and being down.. You know like I said before I already have a list of problems and being self conscious about stuff like frequently looking at pornographic material you know I don't have a large penis I often worry about that its only like 5-6 inches people probably think the stuff I say in this is funny and pathetic most likely but this seems like a place I can express my self anonymously and from the comfort of my keyboard. Anyway before all of this I was running exercising taking care of my appearance was not masturbating all the time was in the right mind set found a full time job that paid well now they cut me and someone else hours for unknown reasons I hope they are not trying to get rid of me I really need this job and if I could just get through this down stage and get back up like before I would almost cry because you may not feel what I feel right now but its not good. This is probably the lowest and I would not want to go any lower in life than where I am right now. You know I thought when your may age things are suppose to be good and happy like everybody else your suppose to have a girl or partner to live with to help each other and right now I can't even hardly communicate properly with a random guy. Feels so dim and honestly I have thought about just a end to all of this too escape just the only happy thought I could muster that at least I am not cursed with living for ever and those are not good thoughts I could just end this right now and would not have to worry but I had so many goals and objectives all the money and work my parents have done would be for nothing all my goals and dreams gone. I wish this would all just go away I know there are starving children in Africa and people with disabilities but this is me now and my life I'm a 21 year old and nobody should go through the stuff they have to go through if its bad its not right. Everything seems to be going up then crashing down I'm tired of it I want things to go back how they where or just improve I'm tired of this it was two years ago when I was a bad person now this stupid legal stuff has reemerged and ever since it had life seems to being going up and down and down and down I really don't know what to do accept just keep breathing and sleeping its driving me crazy I can't even enjoy video games any more or the little things I used to be able to do. You know this should have been taken care of two years ago because I was a completely different person this is wrong. They are harassing a innocent man its not right I want my life back I used to be a addict I used to have problems this legal stuff is making all of my problems reemerge I don't want any of this I just want to be happy and have a normal life and normal friends who aren't going to bring me down I'm tired of this I really don't know what to do.