I live with my (recently emotionally abusive) boyfriend of 8 years and his sister, brother in-law, and their two kids for past 4 ½ months. I have Major Depression but can’t take medication because I’m trying to have a baby. I’m 33 years old and have Endometriosis and I’m showing bad signs of infertility. My doctor told me to try to get pregnant as soon as possible and avoid any stress so I don’t have a miscarriage because I am running out of time. I’m also dealing with a stomach disorder due to the effects of the depression on my appetite; I lose my appetite instantly when I’m upset and my stomach curls up like acid. I’m always upset or uptight in the home we share with his sister. I also have anemia and other minor aliments caused by the more serious aliments (Depression & Endometriosis). Basically my hair falls out every time I shower and I sleep over 12 hours every day I have off from work and still feel tired. I no longer take care of my personal hygiene. All I’ve ever wanted was a child my entire life. I love children. I stopped trying to get pregnant after the miscarriage I had, after I moved in. I knew it was a horrible thing to bring a child into this. Me and my bf had gone to counseling to work out issues before we moved in and he had made some great changes. However, I saw that my bf going back to his old behaviors. We were supposed to get married but I put a hold on it when I started noticing him let things slid with his family disrespecting me. My health took a turn for the worse so I couldn’t leave and I have no family that cares for me. My family has a criminal background.
My bf in the end will admit that I’m right about his families’ abuse but he does nothing. I can write all the horrible things he had done to me, like cheating, humiliation, abandonment, leaving me me while I’m depressed. Left me alone when I told him I would cut myself, which I did do. I had the worst self-esteem years ago, but I got help. I ended up on the 9th floor bc of my family and him. They all called me crazy and his sister still uses it against me during fights. I got therapy and was told that I have been severely abused as a child and that I keep going around the same ppl who hurt me and I don’t put boundaries. I was told to cut off my family, so I did. I went to therapy and started building my self-esteem. I got my GED at age 30. Also went to worksource to learn about Microsoft applications and got certificates for some Microsoft suite programs. To accomplish that, I was staying with an older lady on her couch bc she felt sorry for me (I met her at school and ended up sobbing in her arms about my life).I finally got a good job that only checked 7 years back for criminal assaults and I just made the deadline. It was one of my happiest moments getting a job at 30 years old, that my high school friends had already worked at 21 years old. I have to point out: I have never done any drugs, except marijuana a few times (made me too paranoid) and I don’t drink, and I never slept around and got pregnant. I’ve always stayed in a shell and I guess it makes me a target.
I should also point out; I’m in a very bad situation. My boyfriend thinks it’s okay to hit, kick, smack, or twist my arm if I call him names; such as pussy, loser. He says I forced him to do it because I won’t shut up and insulted him. I have hit him at times but he is bigger than me and he does it more often.
I call him names when I am pushed to my limits. My limits of emotional, verbal and psychical abuse, harassment, mind games, abandonment, disappointments, and over all neglect. I’m sure I’m leaving things out that have happened to me.
I should point out the worst part. All of the instances listed above are not only implemented by him, but by his family toward me, and my own family against me.
My family has emotionally hurt me beyond belief. I have to hide things that I’m so afraid to tell anyone. I can never go to them for any kind of help because they treat me like a loser anyway. I told my sister about my relationship problems and she told me to meet her at the mall, and never asked me if I was okay the whole time. I was a complete emotional wreck that day. I had to hold it in like everything else.
My bf’s family has always treated me like I’m a loser and not important. They will ignore me and exclude me from conversations. They make comments that they know will hurt my feelings. My bf’s sister does it primarily. I have had arguments with her because it builds up, but I get accused of being an attacker, but not her. She moved my dishes out of the cupboard we are supposed to share. My bf told me to talk to her about it to be mature. I agreed with him and did that and she in the end made a comment about me being upset the whole day over that, implying I’m a big baby. She then told me to take the whole house, which implies that me asking for 12 inches of space is just so selfish of me. My bf didn’t say anything to her about it until weeks later when he got into a fight with them (while I’m not there to speak for myself, like usual) and she denied she had meant to be a jerk to me. She had no consequences for what she does. I never got an apology but just have to go on like nothing’s wrong. My bf let them control the house even though we pay $1000 a month. We live down stair in the den with our bed next to our couch and the only room available downstairs, they are using for smoking hookah. Yet they have 3 bedrooms upstairs to themselves. He didn’t bother tell them we need to have a more separate life style due to her behavior towards me, but expects me to share a space with her. His sister comes down stairs where I stay with a controlling demeanor after she insults me and smokes in the hookah room. In addition, I have to share a bathroom bc that’s where the washer is, but she has a private bathroom for kids and private in her room as well. I don’t think I should have had to be around her. They took my bf’s upstairs room for a game room for their kids who are spoiled, but the room we are supposed to have as a replacement bedroom is their smoking room. My bf doesn’t see how wrong this is! He does nothing and I just have to pick up the pieces and try to avoid stress. I will act nice to her so I don’t have to fight with her because we “shared” food, and it was very hard for me to eat someone’s food who hates me. I would end up starving the whole time or spending so much money on food outside because I was soo miserable. I don’t share food anymore but they won’t make room in the freezer and he says nothing. Then she would act fake nice to me and I would fall for it and try to be super nice to her (maybe overly because I want to get along with them because I don’t want stress to make a baby) then she’d make a comment or do something so rude and act like she had no idea what she was doing. She always made comments I noticed in front of her husband and kids, so I could feel like even more of a loser. Her husband never said shit about how she treated me, but when it came time where I couldn’t take it anymore and blew up; all of a sudden he got in my face about how disrespectful I was. Completely twisted people. And of course, while this was happening, my bf was just standing there allowing it. Even though I was defending how they treat him as well. My bf’s excuse for this is because I hit him in front of his sister, called him awful names and made him look like he is not a man.
I should point out, the reason I attacked my bf is because of a domino effect. He kicked me off the bed while I could have been pregnant, only because I smacked his chest. The reason I smacked his chest is because I was already extremely emotional and distressed about being in this house. He forced me to come inside and lay next to him even though I had been crying in the car hysterically. I begged him in the car that I needed to leave and I wanted to kill myself in this house. He chose to ignore my heartache and he still to this day has no idea why I freaked out so badly as I did. All he cares about is the fact that I embarrassed him in front of his family. He doesn’t do anything about how many times I’ve been humiliated, disrespected and kicked by his family though.
As I’m writing this, it is 7:30pm. I slept until 2pm and all I’ve eaten is a 1 ounce bag of barbecued chips.
He keeps trying to talk to me like nothing is wrong. Like my life is just worthless. But that’s how I feel. He can kick me and jump on me and say he cheats on me to punish me for calling him a pussy. I know my anger inside is what causes me to say it because I keep watching how he does nothing to protect me. He called me a sick fuck for writing this, and he is refusing to acknowledge how sick and dead I feel inside. I’m on the verge of tears but I’m holding them in because if he sees them he will think I’m weak and think he can play games with me. He will try to say sorry. He will miss the entire story of what has been going on for the past 5 months for me here. He is not even considering what this has done to me and why I keep losing it. He doesn’t know that I’m going to leave. I don’t want to but I just read my journal back to my self and just saw how sick it is. Even if I wrote every bad thing I did to him, I know it was mostly caused by him messing with me over time, or his family hurting me and him not defending me.
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