I also struggle with the feeling of loneliness, and find it to be worse in the winter. I live in a small city in wisconsin and find it very hard to be myself here. I am gay and still in high school. I am the only one "out" at my school and am tormented daily. My father and I never had a good relationship growing up and as for my mother, she sat and watched me as I was raped by two of my babysitters since I was age 4. I turned to drinking and smoking and had alcohol poisoning in 9th grade. I focus all my attention on looking "good" that I realize now how messed up it has made me. Being gay, and living in a small town has only created more and more problems. I started sleeping around with guys as old as twice my age (34) and now more than ever I feel alone. I was dating a boy and it first I was happy but after a month of dating I dumped him. I know that another person cannot make me love myself but what can ? I have been on a few different meds and I am really trying to become natural as it is my new year's resolution because I am addicted to tanning and on a larger scale, just my looks in general... I hear I look good but it's never good enough for me. Can anyone relate to this feeling? So I try and hang out with friends but all of my girlfriends have boyfriends, so I become very jealous. and all the guys just want to fool around. I have debated suicide but the one thing that keeps me alive is the fact that when I turn 18 I am going to cosmetology school and want to become very famous for my skill with hair. I pray these feelings change.- Caleb Y. | |
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