LIFE SUCKS

Just tired of it all

Well its the new year, has anything really changed though? Have to wait another year for christmas now,(the one time in the year i have found bearable in my entire existence.) Dont get me wrong, im not at all religious anymore, and i care little for material things such as gifts, but it really is the thought that goes into it, and the fact that its the one time of year where people seem to stop with their bullshit. Admittedly there are people who just see that time of year as another rat race; cramming in shopping centre carparks, arguing with customers or shop attendants etc. This is the sort of crap we deal with every day and for what? Wow, we might get something a few dollars cheaper or save ourselves a 2 minute walk (which would do many people the world of good anyway.) Others busy checking their business or finances while they should be on holiday or with family, or talking in the phone to someone they should just be with. Yep, some people get it wrong, christmas is about family and giving and so forth, and generally people just get along.

But then it ends. And the cut throat, care for no-one, succeed by any means cause thats the most important thing mentality returns. And i hate it, all of it. The more years that pass, the more i seem to hate this life. I wish i knew whether it was the world constantly changing for the worse, or whether it has been this way all along, and i was to naive to realise.

When i was a kid, i had an overall optimistic view of the world, and I saw most adults as trustworthy, decent people to be respected, I dont have that view now. That was despite all of the problems i had as a child: Aspergers, ADD, few friends, unstable home, blah blah, i could go on. But i still managed to have fun in some of those years. And i always told myself it would get better. I had dreams like anyone, most of them seemed attainable. As i said, i care not for wealth or power, or lust, i just wanted to be happy and in touch with reality and our planet which we keep destroying. I hated high school and just went under the radar for years, trying to enjoy any little thing i could, worked part time, until i reached university / TAFE and then realised just how different i had become.

I had a complete outsiders look on the world (i was always an isolated person, but it became extreme). I saw things for what they really were. The mind games people would indulge in, the selfish motives, which i was blind to as a younger person. So i was a recluse, not suprising really given my personality and conditions. I developed anxiety / depression without realising it until years later (about 2 years ago now). Slowly started to lose most satisfaction with life.

Following failure years later at university. I entered the work force doing very basic jobs. Failed at one, quit another due to the personal angst it was causing me (went into a dark place following that) so then did some further education, a few certificates thinking that would brighten my prospects. I got another job, unrelated to my education to a large extent, but i could tolerate it. Recently i was laid off because they no longer needed so many staff.

You may be wondering why im rambling on about any of this. (particularly the bit at he start about christmas). Its because for the most part, the distraction it provides or whatever, are one of the few happy moments in my entire 23 year old life. Its the new year now, and im looking for what to do with my life. How to move out of my parents place, if i ever will, Ive tried damn near everything to try and deal with my mental conditions, you name it, ive probably tried it. I feel its getting too late now; too late to change my ways if it was ever possible. To maybe have a partner, a family, a career, things i desired once.

But then i look at it on the other hand. Being the way i have for so many years now has opened my eyes to some of the cracks in this whole idealistic life. People are just following the herd. True freedom does not exist in this Western culture. We are slaves to money, to work, and our government, even if we dont want to admit it. So what really is the point. Should i just pass the time, go along with the crowd, or try an be an individual, a pioneer, an outcast, get mocked. Someone who may or may not make any contribution to society.

It all appears to get harder too. The rich get richer, the poor poorer. You would think that humanity would have reached the point where some of these problems could be addressed, but no. Perhaps that will be the bitter end of it all. The ultimate irony in our downfall, destroying the planet. I read that their are people partying, predicting the end of the world is upon us in less than a year now. Perhaps i should join them. I wouldnt be dissappointed if it happened, i long for an end, and peace. And if it was wrong, than at least i enjoyed myself for a year, care free, which is something i cant relate to now.