I don't expect any comments or anything I just need to vent.
I try so hard to do all of the right things all the time, say the right things be there for friends give the right advice, make the right grades, live my life right. I just wish I had someone to talk to completely about everything without feeling judged or ashamed. I am never right for anything. I try so so hard and in trying so hard i've developed an eating disorder, disowned religion, fucked up my grades, and am just a horrible person.
I won't let anyone know that though because to everyone else I have it all together. But really I have no friends that I can truly count on, my own sister doesn't understand and she was the closest thing to me before college. It's like college distanced me from my life back home and then when I go home for breaks I have no one to distract me from my own thoughts and I have major panic attacks and depressive moods where i become distant from everyone around me and I don't mean to hurt them it's just I can't be alone with my own thoughts because they consume me and make me feel worthless.
I have nothing to live for, everyday when I go to sleep i remind myself of why I'm alive and it's only because my family would never be able to get over my death. I have NO other reason. I don't have true friends, I don't have a relationship with anyone, I don't have good grades, I don't have a job, my body is no where I want it to be, I have the worst relationship with food, my dad doesn't give a flying fuck about me, my real dad died when I was 3 and I never got to meet him, Ive moved so much i can't trust anyone.
Everyone that i have ever trusted has hurt me. And still I go back to them because I have no one else.. I'm not worth anyones time.
No one ever contacts me first, and when they do it's cause they want something and I cave cause i pretend they really care.
It's not fair I have to live for a world I wish not be apart and suffer emotional pain everyday all for the selfish wants of people who couldn't live without me.
Maybe I am selfish. I don't mean to be. I just want to be normal like everyone else, i want people to actually care about me other than blood related because they're family and have no choice but to care.
Fuck. I'm never gonna be normal. I wish I could be.
| |
Life won't suck forever. I also have hard times. What helps me is to think that I am in a movie and today I will be playing as a happy chap. If you think about it if someone put someone elses brain into your body I'm think they could feel better. Life changed when I thought that. Hope it helps!
I have no one to share my story.
Have you tried... not trying so hard? Do something totally radical, something you've never tried before.
Try opening a LiveJournal account & making some online friends, getting into a TV show/books etc.
Volunteer for something in your local area.
New Comment