Well... the loneliness I feel consumes me. I fake my emotions and put on my game face, but the pain and sorrow, rage and disgust are killing me. I am wallowing in self petty, trying to turn a blind eye to the disease that is raging inside me. My life has changed so much...so much. I am numb to the point that I wondered if I ever truely could feel. The depression rages inside me. Forcing me to succumb to it reminding me still that I am not in control as I fall deeper into the rabbit hole. Who I was is taken away from me... the military no longer wanted me after the terrible first episode that would change my life forever. Its a strange thing to think how quickly it can change. At my sickest point the angel of death said I could go, but my mother, asleep on the ground next to my bed would have found me dead. I could not bare he sadness. So I stayed. I should have gone. Confusion, sadness and weakness are now who I am after 4 years. I am alone and frightened. I long for change my but I cannot find it. I long for love, but it is out of my reach. No man wants a taint or diseased woman. Worse a sad one. What I think about ... am I capable of love if I do not love myself? Do I deserve better or do I just think I do? My loneliness is my penance.
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