LIFE SUCKS

Am I Dumb?

I'm 18 years old and I am blessed with a loving and well to do family. I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for about 2 years plus and I am always having problems with him. 2 years ago i was young and naive and got into trouble which led to countless depressing break ups and quarrels. I betrayed his trust and had to live with the countless consequences every since. I love him dearly so despite being in misery i went along with everything he makes me do or doesn't allow me to do. After that incident he broke up with me for awhile and I was completely inconsolable and suicidal. He came back to me when he couldn't forget me because he really love me. Then it all started with his small requests followed by more and more unreasonable expectations but i accepted everything and listened to whatever he said. I was not allowed to socialize with any guys (Even tho i'm okay with it) but I have to go to school and apparently i study in a mixed environment where theres boys and girls and when it comes to school work i have no choice. At the start it was really really tough dealing with this and foolishly i got through it by lying about minor things. He eventually found out about it and i fell right back into depression because he claims that i broke his trust again and again. (I had not much of a choice?) After awhile it seems that he was still angry with me and he went out to betray me and broke my heart. I was devastated but I still wanted him so much so I had to live with the misery. (After all, I started it isn't it) I worked very hard to earn his trust and slowly i adjusted to some changes in my life like going out lesser etc. But he was not convinced by my "change" because he does not trust me at all and he continuously added more and more pressure on me. I was getting more and more depressed each day because of how much i loved him despite his awful treatment towards me. I have to admit living under such circumstances and being expected to have so much change triggered me to find a way "out". And with the company of my bestfriend we both started doing drugs together and even though i swore to myself that I was only suppose to "try" it, I eventually did it for quite awhile. Soon my temper and attitude became worse and I acted like a bitch often getting into huge fights with him. But karma's a bitch and one day someone told him what i had been doing behind his back and BANG i was back to square one - Devastated and suicidal. He, obviously was filled with flaming anger, exposed all of the things i did to my family and since then i had never been in contact with the drug anymore. I broke my parent's hearts. They loved pampered and nurtured me and they never expected me to ever be dealing with drugs. I was distressed and it was the biggest regret in my life. Then i had to deal with the expected - Breakup. As usual i couldnt eat or sleep and everyday i wished none of these ever happened. And as the story continues, he came back out of love and we got back together. And thus i had to deal with even MORE rules and expectations. Things cooled off for awhile but due to his zero trust for me he eventually made me choose between my bestfriend and him. And I chose to be with him, with the cost of losing my most valuable friendship. I left her without a single last word not even an apology. I broke her heart. It was extremely tough. But i gradually got used to it. Time passed and now i'm a completely changed person from who i was 2 years back because of this depressing relationship. I am still happy though, He makes me happy when hes happy. But till today he still neglets me and often vents his horrible temper and anger on me. Things have improved but yesterday we got into a fight and i was dumbfounded when he responded coldly even though he did something wrong. He said that he no longer care. He doesn't even check on me or care about whatever im doing anymore. He even told me that i should hang out with my friend if i want to (Surprising) I gave everything up for him and even though i hated the way he couldnt trust me at all, now im feeling even worse. He doesn't care or bother anymore. I just invested my life and time into - Nothing. My heart's breaking.