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Just not feeling it.

Posted by Cloudy at December 24, 2011
Tags: Childhood  2011 December  Family  Health

I can't say I have a bad life but it isn't the best either. I have a good job when a lot of people are suffering and generally have a lot to be thankful for so I'm not sure why I feel the way I do. My childhood wasn't the greatest. My father died when I was very young, my mother remarried and divorced because my stepfather decided he liked men. Then came my little sister
s father. He was what I would call evil. He would do things that no man should do to a child. I would rather not be graphic it is a horrible thing to describe and relive. That went on from about the age of 7 till I was 10. I never told my mother because he would threaten to kill her. Yes, I believed he would do it. He once held a knife to my mothers throat and cut her. He recently died although I wanted to I did not celebrate out of love for my younger sister. Even though they were estranged he was still her father. I felt guilty my whole life about that even though I knew it was not my fault it just felt like it was. There is a huge gap in our ages and our life experience. We arent close although I have tried. I know some of it is she thinks I blame her for what I went through. I never did. Did I mention he was a supposed minister. Yeah he was one of those.
My mother's family disowned us about that time because he was black. They were really vocal about it even going as far as to harass us and threaten to kill us. I remeber answering the phone once and my Aunt saying " We are going to kill you and all your N@*%r loving children" We weren't raised to think like that. I have tried to find joy in life but keep drawing a blank. At the age of 16 I began to take care of my mother when she became disabled and help raise my siblings and even worked part time to help provide for my family. You do what you have to do I guess. I found out as a young adult I could not have children which was a blow. I never married. It's not that I haven't been in love but no matter how I try I just can't seem to make a connection with anyone.
I have a quirky personality and although I am a little odd I genuinly care about people although I have trust issues and tend to stay away from fake people. I just can't seem to find any joy in life. I don't want to kill myself or anything but I don't want to be here either. Life is just not happy. I try to be active and have friends but I find little value in the world as it is. Any advice I have tried counseling but there isn't anything they have said that I haven't tried. I care about the world I just don't want to be a part of it anymore.


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Comments:
By anonymous at 24,Jan,12 21:58

Typical dumb liberal white chick marrying a ni**er and the man turns out to be a bad guy. I cant look at the newspaper or turn on the tv one time without seeing some white broad that was killed, beat, raped, robbed, etc. by her black boyfriend. When are you pinheads going to realize that we were created differently for a reason? Have some repect for yourself, your family, and your heritage. Or you can just become another statistic.


By anonymous at 25,Jan,12 17:08

^^ Your mother should have repeatedly stabbed herself when you were in her womb.


By anonymous at 26,Jan,12 11:24

We really need a moderator to ensure some of these wacko comments are not published like the racist and internalized self-hater that left the two comments below. I do not have your background but I am in the same place as far as not wanting to kill myself, but just not wanting to be here. It sounds like you have at least identified your problems, so you have an idea of what they are. From there you can try to devise a plan to do something about these problems. What exactly...that is up to you. Start doing stuff you know that you enjoy..no matter what as long as it's not killing anyone. Start doing random things you never done...basically just say fuck I don't have anything to loose if you if do..because the reality is we are all going to die one day, there is no need in being miserable.


By best link build at 15,Oct,13 06:45

ghSkz8 A round of applause for your blog.Really looking forward to read more. Great.


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