LIFE SUCKS

where the fuck do i begin.

there has been sooooo much shit dumped on my life that its a little complicated for me to really explain to you the depth of my own suffering. first let me start by saying that i, like everyone else, has gone through some sort of suffering in my life and i think that my suffering is not the worst or the lightest one there is but nonetheless it is suffering and we are all bound by that and i think all of us expressing our own failures/thoughts/experiences in life can actually be a cleanser and help us get through smoother because of the fact that....even though we are suffering we are not alone..if that makes any sense? as much negativity as there is on this website rather the creators of it realize it or not they have created a cleansing website where we can freely express and free ourselves from this negativity and i truly think THAT in itself is an act of love. i just want all of you to know that i love you guys no matter what youve done or the mistakes you made in life i still love you and the human race because you guys are my family and watever situation you are in its not your fault and no one can truly blame you for this because in the end we are all responsible for eachother and how we turn out in this world...including my self.... i guess i can start by saying im a 19 year old virgin....ive tried to get with women but it never seems to work ever since my first kiss in kindergarden which i had to actually beg the girl to give me i had tried dramatic and spontaneous ways to get girls to like me and become intimate with me but...i could go on more in detail about that but that would take too much time...the point is i was totally rejected....and the more i got rejected the less confidence i had....i got scared and everytime i would fall for a girl a women my teacher even i never had the balls to come up with the right things to say or whatever.....fast forward a few years back in highschool my bro gets it all the girls the clothes the popularity i get nothing but being called a "wierdo" a "creeper" and the like...everytime i would try to get a girl my mom would always say ohh shes white you cant go for her she might think your going to rape her....i fucking hate her for that i really do...here i am a fucking young teenager in highschool and the like and instead of giving me support all i get is the TOTAL opposite not only that but everytime a sexy female on tv or a sex scene in the movies would come up or ANYTHING involving women my sister and my mom would try and close my eyes! no wonder i have so much fucking trouble getting women. well mission accomplished mom NOW i really cant talk to women because the only girls that i feel i CAN get is the ones that have the same sort of experience as me which are those young teenage girls i see at work everyday.....fucking problem is i cant even talk to them because im 19 and they REALLY are underage now..thanks mom.. ive tried so hard to get with women my age but it never fucking works i just cant do it now i have no fucking money because i give it all to her i have been wearing the SAME raggedy ASS clothes for years on end.....my brother fucking gets girls gets to keep his money and has his own fucking car while i be the nice brother and GIVE ALL MY FUCKING MONEY TO THE HOUSE AND FOR HER TO GET THAT FUCKING LARGE COKE AND WHATEVER THE FUCK ELSE SHE GETS EVERDAY IM TREATED LIKE FUCKING DIRT AND GOD DAMNIT IM TIRED OF IT...did i mention i was STRIPPED NAKED AND BEATEN severely WITH A BELT NUMERUS TIMES through out my childhood and highschool up until the age of 17 just for not getting good grades and breaking a few house rules like going outside by myself. basically i was given no privileges to grow so thats exactly what happened. funny thing is i was always the nice one the loving and caring one and this is what happened to me...i got spit in the fucking face...sometimes i think it was because i looked the most like my dad.so here we are today i am a sexless rejected 19 year old who works like a slave and doesnt have a social life because i cant afford it...no money to buy clothes no woman who i have met that wants not much going for me.i wanted to be loved..i wanted to be successful. i didnt want to be filthy rich but i wanted to experience my youth and my life as a whole in a beautiful way but i never got that and right now it doesnt look like my life is getting any better. god sometimes i wanna burn this whole fucking place down.im mixed with several emotions at this point im so fucked up i dont know what the fuck i want anymore. ultimately i feel like a shell of who i was truly meant to be. ultimately i know its not anyones fault rather be my dad my mom or myself its the systems fault the system is what brought all of this pain in suffering to begin with...i know ive had a fucked up life so far but i think i do still want to change something we have to change this system we are living in because thats what this is really about...money...the monetary system has caused most of these problems i see here on this website ...its all about the fucking money