LIFE SUCKS

near, but so very far...

I am alone. My father casted me aside and my mother is a drunk. My brother lives sucessfully in another country and though we are in contact he knows little about me. I have friends, but can not seem to trust someone enough to let them in. My boyfriend of 6 years battles with me constantly and I have come to the realization that we stay together because otherwise we would both literally be alone. At times I feel like giving up, like most do. Typically I find myself zoning out to the television; dead inside. I think nothing. I feel nothing. It amazes me because I am quite the actor. Most people would be shocked to know how I feel inside. I am tired, so very tired of it all. I am afraid that one day I may make the worst mistake... I just want to be happy, but how? I honestly have no interests, hobbies, or desire to do anything. This is not healthy and I know it. When I hit these low periods I am so ashamed with my weakness and lack of control. I wallow in self pity, eventually faking it to myself that I am well. That's it, I realize I am no longer able to fake it. I'm 32 and cannot recall a period where I have been happy for even a remote period of time. I know there are many who are worse off and I am not entirely clear as to why I am even typing this. I am just alone, sad, and very tire.