I am 26. I am in my second year at university. I thought i had it all. I moved out of state 5 yrs ago to be with a guy who was the only person i could ever trust to be open and honest with... Someone who made me feel like i had worth. I was going no where with my life. I dropped out of highschool and was partying every night and was unemployed. Family was taking care of me. I was worthless. I met him and i for the first time in my life was motivated.to do anything. He helped me rebuild my life and get me on the track i needed to be on. I cared for.him ( and still do) more than i did for any member of my family. But... I watched myself destroy that over time. Without thinking about my actions and getting caught in the moment i hit him twice, verbally abused him multiple times. I told myself that we all go through rough patches and convinced myself that even though i was a total dick to the only thing i lived for, i was still incredibly faithful, supportive and everything that someone could want so that outweighed the negative. After nearly 6 years together he had enough. He literally is my everything. The saying "you dont know what you have till its gone" is not strong enough to describe how i feel. To make matters worse we still live together because of my personal financial state. Im sitting here watching the person who was once my reason for getting up in the morning move on and knowing its my fault makes me want to jump off a bridge. I know what i did wrong and to never repeat it i refuse to date, i refuse to take care of myself ( startes smoking again, gaining weight and no shave/haircut) all in an attempt to turn others away. He told me to get myself together because he wants to see me happy and successful... To which i replied " i was happy.. And i killed my happiness and ill be damned if i allow that to happen again. YOU be happy.. YOU find what it was i couldnt give you.. You being happy will make me happy because that means i finally did right by you". Now his anger with me is showing through and as im sitting her putting myself down he gets angry at me for doing it and ill be called "stupid" or "moron".. And i believe him. I find myself putting myself in harms way hoping that, since im too coward, ill be killed. Broke down on the free way at a busy time of night and didnt pull off all the way.. Stood practically in the moddle of the road while it was being fixed. Also got intoan accident. It was on purpose-ish. I was going to hit a MUCH larger vehicle anyways so i thought why not speed up and take.my seay belt of.. Didnt react in enough time to remove it. I figure that if i die then he can finally be at peace and not be bothered by his douche bag ex and that i can end the pain of knowing how much i hurt him. I want to die so bad..
This isnt as bad as some i have read but i think everyones individual demons or story can be just as heartaching even though they vary in degree.. | |
get it :D?
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