I honestly can not stand the way I've lived my life so far. I've tried to kill myself, I'm diagnosed with depression, I have to take medication, I hate myself and I'm only 15. I know I'm young and shouldn't think this way because I have my whole life ahead of me. But lately all I wanna do is start over. I feel like the way I've treated some people is terrible, when I get angry I don't think before I speak. I've said some very harsh words to people I love and care about deeply.
I'm a terrible student in school. I always wanted to be the person who got A's and B's all the time, a great student who turned everything in on time and maybe had one or two sick days, someone who everyone loved and wanted to be. But in reality I'm the complete opposite. I want to go to my dream college but that's difficult when I get terrible grades and rarely show effort. In the past year I've learned half the "friends" I had hated my guts. Last year I missed two weeks of school because I was in a behavioral health hospital. I wish I could turn the way I look at school around and actually try, but from the way I grew up looking at school it's so difficult.
My parents and I do not have a good relationship at all. We all fight so much and it's mostly all my fault. When I was little we we're all SO close but now, it's like we're all strangers living under the same roof who once in a great while look like an actual family. My mom and I fight so much, usually about dumb things. Same with me and my dad. I just want things to always be good. Everyone to be happy. I want to talk back everything rude and hurtful I've EVER said to them and start our family over. I'd do anything to be the happy family that get along and love each other. I see all my friends relationships with their parents and I feel like shit because I envy them so much. The only time I ever feel like we're a whole perfect family is when someone gets hurt badly or someones sick. Only then do we really show that we care completely and would do anything for each other. The holidays are so painful, at least for me, because we pretty much have to fake being a perfect family when we're not at all.
So pretty much I just want to start my whole life over and be the person I've always wanted to be but never have gotten close to. I know that I can just turn it around right now while I'm still young, Change my ways and try to be what I want to be. But even if I do that I won't feel complete. I won't feel good about myself, I'll still feel like a failure. Thanks to anyone who read through this whole rant. I appreciate it and I hope you have a good life. | |
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