I'm 24 and yet I feel like I haven't lived a day. I suffer from severe anxiety, avoidant personality, and possibly bi-polar but I'm to afraid to get diagnosed with something new. I've always felt out place and never knew what I was doing. It was kinda like walking in a dark blindly everyday. I could say my fucked up childhood and being raped has ruined my life but it's to typical. I always had this obsession of finding someone to love me and protect because I feared the world and never knew what it was like be loved. Foolishly,
I imagined at 17 the boy of my life was my hero and I would never be alone or hurt again. I got knocked up and the dream was over. I loved the little child inside me and everytime I felt it kick I knew It was a blessing. My daughter meant the world to me and I only wanted to give her the love and happiness I never received. I wanted to protect her from the world...I couldnt fail..but I did. I couldn't care for her financially. Everytime I tried to get a job ..my nerves got the best of me. I tried going to school but I didn't have a clue what I was doing. I feared everything and everyone. I gave up. I felt like a human with no depth/soul. I couldn't function like a normal human. I became depressed and turned to alcohol. It helped. It gave me the "confidence" I needed. I felt invincible..but I lost control over my drinkIng which resulted my rape and a beating I'll never forget. After it happened..I felt like I died. I remember walking home with my clothes torn and my face covered in blood. I never told anyone. I became somebody else. I didn't stop drinking it became worse. I've spent most of my time drinking, engaging in promiscuous sex, self mutilation, and drugs. I was hurting myself and I didn't care. I knew I was neglecting my daughter and the guilt and shame was killing me more than anything that has ever happened to me. I couldn't admit I was a failure as a mother..I tried to take my life. I should have died. I don't remember much except I was hallucinating and I couldn't speak. When I came back to my senses, my bestfriend had saved me. She told me I had left my apartment and everyone seen me ...I was stuttering shaky mess and my eyes were dilated. If you were looking outside in you would have sworn I was on drugs. I was humiliated. I began to isolate myself feeling like I couldnt go on but vowing to never kill myself again. I did something I never did. I prayed. I prayed and cried so hard for higher power to save me. A few days later I received a phonecall from a special person I thought I lost in my past. I was never more happy to hear his voice. He saved my life. He was a comforting ear that allowed all my secrets for him to hear. He told me he still loved me and was terribly heartbroken everything had happened to me. I cried as well trying to explain to him I wasn't the same girl he fell in love with years ago. He didn't care...all he wanted was my safety and to help me. He knew my environment was sick so he brought me and my daughter two tickets to fly to in the virgin islands. with him. For once in my cursed life I felt blessed. I decided to go and do Issas it with my sister. She was very happy for me but suggested I leave my daughter with her for awhile so o could heal and make sure my living situation was suitable for her. I couldn't agree more, but it was miles away and I've never been away from daughter. Now a 11 months later I haven't had a drink, I'm madly in love with a man who takes very good care of me (I wish I wasn't so afraid to give him my heart before ..maybe things would of turned out differently), and I'm pregnant with a beautiful boy on the way. I'm happy but I do get depressed. I miss my daughter to death and even though I talk to her everyday, I still need her. Im in way better shape mentally to be the best mom for her and just want to make up for the lost time. Unfortunately plane tickets are so high right now and I'm due to have my son any day. I wanted a job but the social anxiety is still there and right now my boyfriend is paying for everything so it hard to put the money aside. I need her. I dream about her all the time and fears she thinks I abandoned her. But Im praying the money will come soon. I can't be another day without her...it's killing me. | |