I'm not sure of anything anymore. I'm 17 and yeah I have it better than most but it doesn't feel that way most of the time. I'm shy and I have a hard time talking to people, even my friends at times. Me and my mom fight constantly and she's about ready to kick me out.
I use to be close to her but now she justs irritates and upsets me. She flips out over the littlest things and I'm sick of it. My dad doesn't even live with us and could give a shit less about me or my sister. I don't have a girlfriend and never have and I don't think I ever will. I've been told I don't need one or I'll find someone eventually but I want a person who isn't a family member that I can just spend time with and the other part is complete bullshit. If I can't find one now, why does anyone expect me to have the ability to get one later on in life?I had a girl say she thought I was cute and that she liked me but when I asked her out she turned me down. Every girl I've asked out has turned me down. I don't what is so wrong with me that no one wants to be with me but it must be pretty fucking bad if no one has even be willing to try.
I don't have my drivers liscence either and I'm apparently a horrible driver so what's the point of even trying to get it. I don't have a job either while most of my friends do.
I could honestly care less about my schoolwork. I used to be a straight A student but now I could care if I made an A or an F. My mom made straight A's and she works at a fucking casino. What the hell's the point of even bothering? I can't study anyway. I've tried. I only joined to clubs this year cause my friend pretty much forced me to. I don't even know what I want to do for college anymore. I wanted to be a game designer but I have no artistic talent or any kind of talent for that matter and I hate physics with a passion. I don't have any other passion aside from writing but I probably suck at that too.
I hate my physique and everything else about me. I'm so fucking skinny it's sickening. My chest is caving in thanks to my pectus excavatum, even though I surgery to fix it it is still sunk in and I still look like a deformed freak. I've tried to exercise but because my will power is so fucking pathetic I can never stick with it. I have an unhealthy diet but can't bring myself to care.
I have no real social life to speak of. I'll occasionally hang out with friends but for the most part I isolate myself in my room playing my Xbox or reading. I'm a paradox. I crave human contact but shun it whenever it comes to me. I'm also lacking in empathy as I am unmoved by human suffering and I find it funny in most cases. I could honestly walk by someone who is dying without a second thought. I'm a pessimist and I guess I always have a mean, unapproachable look on my face.
If my house had a gun in it I probably would have blown my brains out long ago. They say suicide is selfish and you just hurt those you leave behind but I don't care. I just don't see the point in anything anymore. | |
i feel very random right now, but it be could be could to know what you look like, it would help me help you.
if you want it. it wouldnt be they kind of help youde expect tho.
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