I am a 21 year old female, about to graduate from college, I have a loving family (sort of), and some loving friends (sort of). I should be thankful for my life, and some days I am...but most of the time everything is meaningless.
I suffer from clinical depression, and I honestly think I am bipolar because I never know how I'm going to feel when I wake up every morning. I have recently developed a drinking problem which I blame on my constant state of loneliness.
I have always tried making good decisions, yet I always fail. I'm almost convinced that I love to feel pain. I love to hurt. Ever since I graduated high school my life literally flipped upside down. I realized that I love putting myself in bad situations. My expertise in making poor decisions led me to have sex with a teacher from my high school the night that I graduated. This fucked up little fling lasted two more years until I got pregnant and really had no choice but to have an abortion. Best part about this man is that he literally did not have a heart and could not express emotions.
Before I actually became pregnant, I had asked God that I was ready to fall in love...so he sent me a piece of shit who used me and took advantage of my good qualities. He walked out of my life a few months later...and when I say that he "walked out" he really punched me in the face and set my soul on fire before he skipped away.
One month later I was fucking the teacher. One month later I found out I was pregnant. One month after that I aborted. Three months following that I was a train wreck. Four months after that I magically became best friends with a guy that I had once had sex with because I felt sorry for him because he had cancer. Well, he still had cancer when we became good friends. He got really sick. He died not too long after that. Guess who took care of him while he was dying? YUP, that was all me. Do I believe that God made me watch someone die because I hypothetically killed a life that He placed in my uterus? Hell if I know.
A couple months after that I met up with that piece of shit who took advantage of me...guess what he did again? He took advantage of me. I wanted to drown myself. I felt like I had been raped...I possibly was.
Then a couple months after that (august 2011), I actually met a decent human being...but not really. He made me feel sorry for him when he said "c'mon, my wife just left me and she already has a boyfriend..." so I ended up sucking his dick. We became friends. Months later we had sex...but of course, as he was throwing me onto the bed he said "just so you know, i could never date you." Then we had sex, and what did he say afterwards? Lots of bullshit. He talked about some girl that he's been in love with forever who I remind him of. Then he talked about how his new goal is to find me a boyfriend. Yeah. Thanks fucker. Thanks a fucking lot. That doesn't make me feel like shit or anything.
Everyone treats me like a little boy. And now I've made myself ridiculously upset because I feel like no one has ever respected me. The beer in my fridge is looking mighty appetizing at the moment. All the friends that I have made in college are total assholes and I hate that I wasted so much time on insignificant people. everyone is selfish.
My mom hates that I love gay men so much. My mom criticizes me everyday. My mom has given me shit all my life even though she just says she's trying to help but really she's driving me insane. It's because of her that I will never be okay with my weight.
My best friend recently told me I need to evaluate my life and make positive changes. You know what? Fuck you.
My dad has never said I love you.
When I was a little girl I took care of my little brother who had terrible separation anxiety. Constant screaming, crying, vomiting...I got to stand right in the middle of my family falling apart. But of course, no one realized that I was standing there. Guess who had to fix things? If you're pointing at me, you're right again.
I have never been in love...or maybe I have, but I know that no one has ever been in love with me. I've never had a boyfriend, I've never had a relationship, and at this point I don't see it ever happening.
I am half certain that I have a purpose in this fucking life, but if I don't find it soon I'm going to lose it.
I am emotionally unstable. I try so hard not to be this way. I let people affect me way too much. People always hurt me. Always.
Overall, I just want to be normal. But at the same time, I don't want to be. I guess I just want to be normal enough to keep healthy relationships.
I just made myself really sick to my stomach writing this. I wish that everyone who has ever hurt me would just burn in hell. But before they do that, I hope they feel a lot of pain here in their miserable little lives.
Maybe I'm just PMSing and these feelings will disappear soon....but they always come back. Always. The only thing that has stuck with me no matter what: my shitty emotions. Awesome.
I guess that's all....for now. Fuck you world.
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