LIFE SUCKS

Feeling like a failure

My life stinks for lots of reason. I had a son when I was young and found out that my boyfriend cheated on me. Now the fact that my bf cheated is the part that stinks not that I had a child. I tried for the sake of my son to make things work out but I couldn't do it anymore. I left my ex-fiance. He was controlling and beat me when I got home because my car broke down and I had to wait for AAA to come by. I went to community college and worked part-time while living at home with my mom. My mom who is bi-polar/anger problems was just intolerable to live with. I knew I had to leave home. I didn't want to raise my son in an environment where my mother was always screaming and yelling. She would carry on for hours just screaming...even if she stubbed her toe..you would be the reason why and she would go on and on to where I could not take it anymore. She would even come to my work screaming and yelling, embarressing me. I knew I had to move out. I quit college and moved in with my boyfriend who I loved more than anything. The relationship was a little rocky sometimes. We eventually decided that we would get married, and we bought a house. I got pregant and gave birth to my lovely daughter. Things went downhill shortly after. Over the years the nice man that I loved turn to this evil, unloving, only caring about himself person. I tried to do things with him, I even signed a loan for a car that he was going to make into a racing car. I tried to do nice things for him. Nothing was good enough..the cooking, the house was never clean enough, everything I did wasn't good enough. My neighbor came over the one day and said "wow this place is spotless, I don't understand why he always complains about how clean the house is."I started taking pre-reqs for nursing. I did real well. I maintained grades from a 3.4-4.0. I finished and entered an accelerated nursing program. My boyfriend would have his friends over turning up the load music when I was trying to study for exams.and working on his very load car. God I wished I did'nt sign for that car loan. Yes I tried going to the library but believe it or not that wasn't a great place to study! They would have information nights there, even a band played there one night! I was pissed. I tried to block it out. He would take the car after I came home working full time and tell me that I would have to find a ride to school. He would do things like spill water all over my books. I had to go through my book page by page and put inserts so it could dry. He would get so mad when I was studying saying that I'm wasting my time and I'll never be anything. I had a B in the class. We had to maintain an 79%. The last week came before I had finals and I had to study 2 new additional chapters in 2 days. Every day that I had off to study his friends were over making noise, blasting the radio. I felt like I was going crazy. Studying med-surg and not having the help to watch the kids or offer to make dinner...I was doing it all! Working full time, cooking dinner, cleaning,manage the bills, doing homework with the children. I felt like crying every night. I thought he would be there for me, to help us...I was going to school to gain a career in nursin. This would make us more financially sound! I just don't understand? On my final I got a 74 which dropped my grade and I couldn't continue on.I was so depressed. He made fun of me the whole time calling me stupid, dumb and everything else. My boyfriend now doesn't believe in marriage. He says he'll never get married. I have loans with this man and a mortgage. If you are reading this-here's some words for you(Never Ever buy a house or get loans if you aren't married) The law is so much easier in dealing with settling if you are married. I don't know how to leave. I'm still making ends meat and working over-time just to have extra money. I tried to leave before and he took my daughter away from me. I just don't know what to do. I want to leave. I know he loves the kids but he hates me. One day I had a fever of 102, throwing up with the chills and he made me make him dinner..he wouldn't leave me alone till I got up out of bed to make it..he said that I wasn't sick that it was all in my head. Right now I started a new job and I'm waiting for my health insurance to kick in. I've been having problems with sweating so bad at night, constantly being sick and exhausted where I have to force myself to work and finish my school work going towards a bsn.I'm just doing the pre-reqs still I hopefully find another school. I have pains in my throat and now my chest is hurting so bad when I breath in. I went to a hospital because the dr at the clinic said that i needed blood work and an catscan to check for any growths...and the doctor refused both ...I went in with another fever of 100 to the ER and they just don't care! They aren't suppose to refuse treatment just because I have no insurance!I feel like nothing goes my way. I have no one but my children to love. I never go out because I get screamed at if I spend money and he takes my atm card away if I spend to much at the grocery store. I just don't understand? I even shop at bottom dollar and acme to get good deals. I'm tired. I'm so tired.
Yesterday my mom called and said she was disowning me because I don't call her everyday. I've taken off from work to be there for her when she had surgery, running her to dr. appts. I just feel so used. She always tells me how the woman that she works with ...how her daughter pays her bills, and bought her a flat screen tv. I'm poor! I don't have money like that and if I did I surely would give it to her. Back when I was 14-17, I used to give her my paychecks from work. I knew that my mom needed help because she was a single mom so I did what I could. I paid for our last vacation that I invited my mom to. I worked 1 fulltime job and 2 part-time jobs to pay for the vacation to the outter banks, because I knew she was having surgery and I wanted her to enjoy herself. I just don't understand! I feel stupid, and worthless. Why can't I just have a man to love me, a mom to care about me? Don't I deserve a good life?