LIFE SUCKS

one thing after another

17 y/o have successful siblings and ive always been the type that has to be better than those around him so its hard watching them succeed and knowing im not headed where i want to be. part time job i ahte but have to do so i can afford anything cuz my parents dont have the money. Stumbling through my classes at school. my job has completely ended any social life i may have once had. my only two friends moved away and the other went into the army so he left too. they were the only way i was able to keep a social life going, or at least a sad excuse for one. been single for a couple years now lost track of exactly how long and being a teenager makes that pretty hard to deal with. turned to religion for help seeing as my family always has been religious and my boss's son is a pastor who i know pretty well. that turned out... well... im writing on this website arent i? w/o friends i have lost social skills and cant talk to anyone or keep a conversation going. im watching my one and only dream slip away as my job restricts my ability to keep my grades in check. i take college classes in a running start program while still in high school so the result is i dont see any of the kids i know and could build friendships with. i have no confidence whatsoever and again being a teen, thats pretty rough. i have a family history of depression which hasnt missed a beat, i have bipolar tendencies yet any clues i leave about my depression for my parents to pick up are percieved as a naive and immaturity from being a teenager. if only they knew i was on the edge... i maintain a good image so im percieved as though everyone thinks that i have it all for the fact i was able to buy myself new "toys" (new tv, nice cell phone, car, etc.) with paychecks, they dont know that i only buy these things in attempt to keep my spirits up. im extremely sick all the time. my parents think im gay cuz i havent had a gf in so long and IM 100% NOT! (nothing against gays just not one myself) im 17 yet im a mere couple inches above 5' tall (makes it all that much harder to get a gf) my job forced me to end my basketball career (not that i was gonna be an nba superstar but it coulda kept my social life existent). im sick cuz i eat like shit cuz my mother never cooks me anything cuz she thinks im healthy. i tell her i workout 4 nights/week but when i "go to the gym" i just drive myself to an empty parking lot for an hour or so and listen to music in my car (im not sure why i do this but i cant stop) i have very disturbing thoughts although id never act any of them out they still appear in my head. I know that if i were to tell any of this to anyone it would just look like a teenager crying for attention and i dont care about attention. i have one single class at my high school and have actually started a game with myself to see how many days in a row i can go without saying a single word im at 16 days so far and nobody notices (thats how little people care to talk to me) its a good thing im the type of person who hates the world and and people so i can tolerate a few weeks without human interaction. I keep trying though hoping college will be better and maybe its just high school that is making things so bad. All i can say is things gotta start changing soon cuz i dont know how much longer i can drag this out before i completely give up