All my life I've been moving around and I find it incredibly hard to find steady ground anywhere. While my mother was pregnant with my brother, my dad hit her in the face...but my mom decided to raise my brother up until a certain age so he wouldn't be without a mother. However, when I was 5, my parents went through an ugly divorce, leaving my brother and me to the custody of my violent father because my dad was an exec with a high-paying job and a college degree...so my poor mother decided to keep the pictures of her bruised face out of the custody battle.
My younger brother and I continued with life after the divorce. Every other weekend, we'd go visit our mom's and live in her tiny apartment. We went to an expensive English-speaking international school, where the majority of the local population were taught in Chinese. With the expensive schooling, my brother and I did terribly anyway. Going to school was a way to escape from all the pain at home, because we wouldn't know when my dad would hit us next.
My father always pushed for us to speak english and had always wanted us to move to the States because life would be 'better' there; so when i was 16 my brother, father, stepmom, and I all left Hong Kong for Texas...where I felt like an outcast because I became a racial minority. My dad quit his high paying job and started his own business. My mother, my safe haven, is in turn left all alone to fend for herself and her own business.
This left my brother and I to the sole custody of my violent father and his younger wife (of whom he secretly wed).
After two years of oppression in a place I could not call home, I left and moved to California to start life anew.
So here I am, 19, a failure, mediocre at best, and completely unmotivated. Now, my dad's business is failing. I doubt either of my parents set up a college fund for us. My brother and I are no completely cut off from my father (after a very explicit confrontation). All of my immediate family members live apart, and so do my closest friends. I am alone.
Chinese, my native language, is not my most fluent language...I can barely read or write anything. So that completely rules off the possibility of establishing life in my homeland again. My parents are nearing the age of retirement soon and I find it incredibly hard to figure out what I am to do to support myself and to support them. Never in my life have I ever felt so useless and powerless...everything in my life is completely inadequate. My only passion is indolence and I'm fucking tired of living.
I think I have a big heart, but it's been shattered and divided among various people, scenarios, and locations in the world. I have faith in humanity sometimes, but melancholy is constantly present in my life. I wouldn't mind dying, in fact I would probably welcome it if I knew it is approaching. There is too big of a load on my shoulders for me to die...and the thought of this makes me feel trapped. I'm floating in a land of limbo and nothing I do seems to make a difference. | |
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