Funny how the interweb provides us these opportunities to be candid while anonymous. Who knew. Well, I too am lonely as shit. I'm a good guy who is well liked and should have it easy what with all the opportunities I've had, but I can't get over some sort of hurdle it seems, a hurdle that functions like a carrot. I feel like I've been chasing some sort of dream that is always within reach, but never comes into fruition.
My problem has always been with low self esteem. Growing up, I was the youngest of two, my brother being four years older. My brother is severely learning disabled and always treated me like complete shit. He used to tie me down with his dirtbag friends and "show me the rosebud," one of their assholes, and fart point blank in my face. I was belittled by my Mom for being a tattle tale. My brother also always cheated and struggled, and was always in trouble. I kind of internalized and hid away to avoid bothering my parents with anything as I knew they had their hands full.
I was never as good as the other kids at sports, video games, and whatever else was important to be good at. I was never good enough to really impress my parents. They always told me I could do better at everything.
The real stem of my low self esteem came later on when I became sexually active.
The first time I had "sex" was with a woman, senior year of high school. She was the trophy girl, and I only dated her so I could impress others. She was a wierdo born again christian, but really wanted to have sex--she was a virgin as well. So, I tried to do her, knowing that I was into guys. When I got her clothes off, I decided to go for broke and perform oral sex on her. Well, there was something radically wrong going on down there: it smelled to high heavens. I mean, really horrible. I almost threw up, and certainly gagged. Then, in an effort to follow through, I persevered and tried to seal the deal. I could not get it up.
Before that even happened, I'd been looking at gay porn on the internet for years on dial up. I knew I liked men, but my plan was to go to a doctor who I thought, idiotically at the time, could magically change me and make me straight. I came out to my parents and friends at 18, and that was a real struggle. In the end, everyone got over it. Except me.
The first time I had sex with a guy was at age 18, the summer after graduating high school. I was working at Disneyland and there were lots of gay guys there. They were, oddly for an L.A. boy, the first openly gay guys I had ever really met. Well, this one glommed onto me and we had sex once, and became boyfriends. I soon found out that he had not only lied about his age, he said he was 28 and was actually over 40, but was also HIV positive. I did not get HIV, but the trauma of coming that close and having someone violate my trust so horribly was very hurtful.
I went off to college in butt fuck nowhere Indiana, having just come out. The college was a tiny liberal arts school that was 85% greek system (fraternity/sorority). It was the worst place for a fresh out of the closet L.A. boy to go. I was proudly open about my sexuality, but there was only one other openly gay guy in the whole school. He was accosted one night alone walking across campus by 4 hooded men, and beaten within an inch of his life. He had to go to ICU for days. He ended up having serious depression after that and dropped out of school. I had already turned to severe daily drug and alcohol abuse. The second semester, I probably went to three class periods and flunked out.
The next guy I had sex with, after leaving the university, I could not even get it up. When I turned 21, my Dad took me to Vegas and we stayed at the Bellagio. I went out to the gay bar one night and met a guy. He came back to my room with me and we messed around. I got chlamydia. Happy birthday!
It soon got to the point that in my limited sexual experience, I could not perform. I have a mental problem with sex and now use Canadian viagra to have sex. I am 33 years old and have to use viagra. This is so fucking frustrating, and I have never told a partner this.
Aside from that, my financial picture is the same as many others. I have $15,000 of student loans to pay off. I have $11,000 of credit card debt to pay off, most of which accrued in my idiotic college years. I make $400 a week in a job that I am radically overqualified for. I have an unregistered, uninsured car that I cannot afford to fix.
On the bright side, if that even fits into this site, I am really trying to seize the day and take advantage of my strengths, of which there are many, to make my life better. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to just give up. That would be refreshing, to just say, "fuck this, I'm done." But that is a cop out! This world deserves me, and I deserve to learn from this world. | |
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