Really lonely, although that is pretty much what im aiming for i guess. The world outside, all people, it's just ...not good. I hate being around other people, or that is, i hate showing myself to other people. I dont like myself so i feel the need to be a fake, but being a fake around other people makes me wanna shoot myself, can't stop though. Really would like to ...drop the act, but wanting that so badly just makes me ...act like some, ...i dont know, anyway, the truth is i can't talk to people, can't "connect" with others. I just wanna talk to someone and just feel that awesome feeling of my brain being connected to someone else's. I remember the feeling, but it never happens any more because i effectively block it. All other people knows how to do it, off course, i mean it's not like it's hard, young children do it so easily. I love children! actually children under like 13 i CAN talk to... There is something that happens with people (in our society?) when they grow up that makes me afraid of them. Always so unfoundedly proud, or... i dont know, something. The world around has turned cold, all it gives me is a gray bad feeling. When i read good books i easily start crying witch feels amazing, i imagine being in the book... and here your just in for the ride, in the real world i never let it come to that, never let it come to colorful feelings. Actually, other people makes me depressed because it feels like everyone's motives are bullshit, everyone's fooling themselves, and maybe im the worst, maybe im purposely (though unconsciously) ...lost the thought here:) | |
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