I know my problems are not as serious as most of the ones stated here. i just wanted a place where someone would listen to my problem.
I feel depressed everyday, i've been crying for almost every single day.i get paranoid easily, anxiety, sudden panic attacks. i'm always afraid of people out there to get me,i'm afraid of losing everything, basically, just afraid of everything. i've been bullied since i was in pre-school , that developed insecurity.Things don't seem to improve in high school,it has gotten worst.I know and i tried very hard not to annoy or cause trouble to anyone,but the bullying did not stop.boys would often come up to me and ask me to have sex with them. i thought he (my bf)(almost 2-years relationship) was different from the other boys, he KNEW how sensitive i am towards this issue, i was wrong, all he wanted was nude pictures of me,i rejected, he ended the relationship. all along, I've only been that girl who listens to other people's problem, but when i needed someone, nobody was there for me.and when they've settled their problem, to them, i dont exist anymore,I tried talking to a friend, before i could even open my mouth, my friends would respond by saying, "i dont know, i dont care". my 18th birthday just passed recently, my best friend for 8 yrs did not wished me happy birthday, nobody seemed to care, this friend told me that i wasn't in her mind at all. Relatives are constantly comparing me with cousins, physically,academically. I tried so hard to make my parents proud, but this time, i know i'm about to fail my finals, no matter how hard i try, i'm never able to do as good as the others. i feel so dumb, stupid. i failed to have any real friends, being academically good, failed to have a proper relationship,and i'm not talented at all.I've been seeing a counsellor,sometimes, i have suicidal thoughts,but when i think of my parents, it stops me from doing so. sometimes, i wonder when will i feel happy again,and why do i deserve all of this. | |
xoxo
Meditation and Marijuana have helped me.
Just make sure if you use Marijuana or Meds that you don't get dependent on them. You HAVE to practice some kind of behavioral therapy like Meditation.
So if Medical MJ is legal in your state: remember, different marijuana strains have different effects! Some can actually make anxiety worse while under it. Get a prescription and try different strains out. It's not simply Indica or Sativa, it's the specific strain. Use just enough to get rid of the anxiety and make you more functional. DON'T get attached to just getting high because that can feel amazing. You can build dependence on ANY anti-anxiety meds. So focus on slowly changing your brain, not "for the moment" fixes!
And remember... THIS ISN'T YOUR FAULT!!!! You've obviously tried so hard to be good to yourself and other people. You sound like a good and strong person. It's hard dealing with brain problems! Have confidence that the Neuro Plasticity DOES exist and you can slowly change.
Don't give up.
Don't stop loving others, they have NO IDEA what you're going through.
Don't stop loving yourself, this is NOT your fault.
I went through the same thing in high school. I graduated and never looked back at those people and it was like a weight lifted off my chest. I realized that I couldn't spend my life trying to make everyone else happy because it just made me miserable. If you want to do well, do it for yourself. If it happens to make your parents proud that's just an extra bonus. Learn to live your life without being dependent on other peoples approval. I know it sounds impossible but you gotta try. I promise it'll make things so much better.
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