LIFE SUCKS

Another night alone.

All right, well I need to get this off and I guess this is as good of place as any. I am a 34 year old male, live with my parents and never have lived on my own. Thats the good part of my life. I used to be a very happy person, lots of friends that I hung out with all the time. I was even engaged once, got engaged right after high school. We dated all the way through high school and got engaged as I left for college. I went to college and worked 2 to 3 jobs the whole time paying for college as I went, I had to get through fast, so I could get a good paying job and help my fiance pay for her college so we didn't graduate with a huge amount of student loans. I got to the point where I was killing myself with the stress between the long distance relationship (literally halfway across the country) the jobs and school. I would break in hives for days at a time that were the size of a saucer plates. Eventually I quit school with enough education and knowledge to land a good job after a year of interning. She of course broke my heart, and kicked me to the curb, I worked to much and wouldn't come visit her enough, please, that is money for YOUR EFFFING COLLEGE that im saving. So thats where I started having fun in my twenties, I didn't date but did a lot of partying, having fun and the whole nine. I couldn't be intimate with a female, not even a kiss, all I would think about is her.

Today, all my good friends are married, I have no one to talk to. I haven't been on a single date in 15 years, give or take a couple years. She is still all I think about every damn day. I work my ass off at my job, making all most 25k less than the next lowest payed guy that does the same job as I do. I have fallen head over heels for a lady who couldn't give 2 shits if im still breathing. (guessing at least, i don't actually have the balls to talk to her on that subject, although we talk often) Speaking of that i am scared shitless of everything now, I worry about every damn thing in my life. Hell I cant fall asleep at night cause one of my cousins died in his sleep, so now im scared ill die in my sleep. The only thing I seem to be able to do well is go to my local bar by myself and get drunk in the corner. Go home, sleep and get to work sometime early enough not to piss my boss off too much. I hate my life. I hate the fact that im such a pussy, that i need to write this, and probably wont post it cause my vagina for a brain cant bare to read anything ive typed. I stay a complete ghost, no Facebook or any of that crap, afraid that someone i don't want to talk to will contact me. I avoid all most all human interaction, and it gets worse every damn day. Most people think im stuck up. No, sorry, just to shy to look up and make eye contac. Then i would have to make conversation, that would be awkward, and i don't do awkward. So here, make fun of me, or do whatever interneters. I just had to get this off my chest, I feel better. I think ill go get drunk, by myself, in the bar corner, ignoring everyone, scared to get cought looking at some girl, driving home drunk, or getting hit by lighting, or hell a blown tire could roll my car and kill me on the way there or back. FML make it stop!