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Posted by anonymous at November 2, 2011
Tags: 2011 November  Relationship

My life may not suck as bad as some, but here goes anyway...

I am a 45 year old woman, married for the third time. I have three adult children and 5 grandchildren. My youngest daughter recently moved back in with me with her two year old and newborn. I feel terrible about it, but I really don't want them to live with me. I have worked my ass off all my life trying to support my children, and messed up my back in the process. I have been taking college classes for the last 3 years only to find out that my financial aid isn't going to cover my last 7 classes needed for my Bachelor's degree. I have been working for minimum wage basically as a kennel worker (mostly cleaning up dog shit). Yeah, so that's the part of my life that sucks the least.

So I married this guy 11 years ago. I thought he was a nice guy and he was good to my kids especially since they were young teens at the time. So.. about 5 years into the marriage, I stumble across a word document on my computer that had been recovered. It was a letter from my husband to a young guy. It was sexually graphic and after reading it I puked, hyperventilated, and puked some more. I didn't know what to think or do. I went snooping. I found gay porn on his computer. I wrote him an email telling him that I knew and he never responded back. It's been almost 6 years and I am still married to him, still live in the same house, but I don't sleep with him. I cannot financially support myself anyway.

Yeah so, I feel like I have wasted my life away for nothing but heart ache and misery. I have become a miserable, lonely person who used to have a lot of love to give, but is now suspicious and skeptical.


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Comments:
By anonymous at 11,Dec,11 02:50

Life is a misery. Sometimes, it is not life but the people that bring the misery to an unwary individual. Sometimes, it is damaging health that demoralizes the incautious soul. Sometimes, it is the battle within ourselves that tears down our self-esteem and make us worthless. The elements that seek self-destruction are endless.
But we are human beings, individuals with mind and heart. We have the ability to transition our perspectives from the wronged orientation to the right - to revert from negative to positive. What we lack is the courage and the motivation. The prolonged seasons of drought has purchased its solid grounds of misery within our heart. It dares to chain us and enslave us along with it. But don't let it deceive you.
I understand that you are a strong woman. No, the adjective strong is unfit for your journey. It is patient and persistent, undeterred and motivated. You were courageous to continue despite the circumstantial hardships, financially and relationally. However, you didn't compromised but continued on, in hope of a brighter horizon. But when you discovered your husband's sexual orientation, you were shocked beyond understanding. I cannot tell you I understand but I feel that the agony is inexpressible.
However, sadly, I am just a being. I am a finite being whose maximum capacity to encourage is to emphasize with you. Although I may tell you that I understand, that is the best I can do. I wish that I might share with your suffering to understand, but I can't since my emotions can't extend beneath the skin of things.
However, there is someone who can. There is someone who can extend his hand from any dimensions. And as a living testament of the one who extend his warmth around me, I can tell you this:
There was a divine being, whose invisible nature brought forth the visible nature of the world. And his presence was with us in the beginning. His warmth protected the world from knowing the evil. Until the creation sinned and evacuated from His presence. And the disobedience led to curse, which was Hades. But concerning death. He prophesied that His son will come and become the curse, so that the curse may be lifted from all those who sought after his grace. And years later, just as the prophecy declared, Christ appeared and crucified according to the divine plan, to become the curse for us. And in three days, he rose from the grave, overcoming the curse with absolute victory. Now, He resides in the heavenly throne, eagerly awaiting to soak his beloved ones with his warmth and peace that transcends understanding. All He asks is repentance and acceptance of His presence, and He shall certainly come to you.
It doesn't matter what time of the day it is, or where you are, but my divine Father hears your words with absolute certainty.
"That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." -Romans 10:9 (quoted from the Holy Bible)

You shall be heard, and you shall be saved. He knocks at the front door, eagerly awaiting your prayer. He wants to become your father and give the love that you have never tasted before. He wants to give you peace that transcends understanding. He wants to let you know that you are not alone in this world, and you don't need to bear this weight on your own. He wants to carry them with you. Matter of fact, He wants to take it all up for you. He wants to show you the proof of His love, the holes on his hands and his feet. He wants you to absolutely fall in love with Him as He is with you. He wants to hug you in an isolated and depraved world, so that you will know He is a good shepherd. His cross was meant for you. His love is certainly beyond understanding. Our minds will not comprehend this impossibility made possible. But through grace, I pray that you draw near to Him who gives rest.

I pray that I be not the trivial messenger, but a deliverer of Truth.

Thank you for reading this.
With Love, Anonymous.


By anonymous at 11,Dec,11 20:01

My god, total betrayal. I don't mean to sound like a cruel person, but keep using him as you are. He helps you pay your bills and have a roof over your head. Once you can move on, get the heck out of there and move on. And no offense to your daughter, but I also would be a little resentful. A parent should always be there to mentor and offer advice. But I think asking a parent to provide a roof over your head as an adult child, and when you are raising children, is asking a lot.


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