Even though I feel sick of the world and everybody in it, loneliness is a feeling which many people can relate to, and if I tell you how I feel then maybe somehow I won't be as lonely as I truly believe I am. Maybe I can find comfort in sharing my lonliness with someone else who is going through a similar situation. Even though all I am essentially doing is ranting on about my own self centred little problems which in 10 year's time will probably seem ridiculously unimportant, right now I am deeply unhappy. It may be down to teenage hormones or whatever. I just need to vent my frustrations with life and I hope that someone woul dbe kind enough to read on and reply.
I used to have a great group of 7 friends but when I was 16 they all moved on to other schools, made new friends and slowly but steadily forgot about me. I've always been extrememly shy from a young age but when I was around my friends it seemed to give me more confidence to be myself. I fully expected that we would all drift apart a bit once we joined new schools but I never thought that they would all forget about me completely. They gradually stopped contacting me and lost interest altogether and instead got on with their new exiting lives with new friends.
In my case however, I remained where I was. Stuck in a rut. Stewing in my own stagnant, sour air. Sitting in my room every eveing, every weekend, every school holiday, staring at the same 4 walls, knowing that everone else my age is probably out having fun. Knowing that there must be something wrong with me. Still attending the same school, not bothering to make new friends. It seemed easier to me to just hide away in a corner than to make the effort to put myself out there and approach new people. All the stress and pressure of making new friends- I couldn't deal with it. Will they like me? What do they really think of me? Do they like me tagging along with them? Am I getting in their way? What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be normal and get along with normal, nice people? Why can't my anxiety go away? Why can't I just relax and be friendly like everyone else? Why do I have this barrier which stops me from approaching people and from others approaching me? WHY WON'T THIS LONLINESS GO AWAY?
My typical school day now consists of not talking to anyone apart from teachers if they ask me a question, and spending my lunch break in a secluded area in the library alone, starving hungry for something to eat but too scared to approach people to sit and eat lunch with them. I have this feeling of being terrified of talking to people, for fear of what they might think of me. A kind of social phobia. It's like my shyness overrules everything else- it's all I'm aware of and it controls how I behave. Well that's how i feel anyway- I don't know other people. I feel like I'm not totally in control of my brain or my actions. Inside I'm really a fun, friendly, interesting person who can't break out of this cage of shyness and anxiety which dominates everything else.
I'm about to turn 18, and this prospect scares me immensely. It kind of signifies the prime of my life, the age at which I should be happiest, having the most carefree fun on the brink of adulthood before life gets serious and sad. But the lonlieness I feel makes it seem as though I am wasting what should be the happiest time of my life. I'll never be this young or innocent again. Teenage years are supposedly meant to be the happiest of your life. Whilst other 'normal' people my age go out to parties, have boyfirends/girfriends and sieze every opputunity to have fun and make the most of their teenage years i feel like I have frozen in the little bubble that is my bedroom and I can't move foreward in my life. It's even affecting other aspects of my life. Whilst everyone else passes their driving test, I have no motivation even to start my first lesson. I've lost interest in schoolwork, even though I get good grades. I'm scared of going places by myself. I rely on my mother to take me out. It's like I'm a little kid all over again. My self esteem is non existent. I've no confidence to do anything, no drive. I'm starting to fall into a deep depression.
Everything is starting to slip through my fingers and there is no one to reach out to to help me.
It's wierd- although I've never spoken to anyone about any of this before, telling a complete stranger in a wierd cyber space my inner feelings doesn't scare me in the slightest. Because I know that like other lonely people reading this all I need is just for someone to listen. Just someone to talk to.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope that you will reply :)
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As for the anxiety, we all have it when trying to meet new people. Especially me one of the shy quiet ones lol. Just relax and try to not think about all the "what if they don'ts"
when trying to make new friends. Your in high school, i'd assume maybe there are some clubs you could join that you might be interested in? You'll make new friends that way if you get over the anxiety. But really look into seeing a therapist, they'll help you think differently and develop strategies for you to get over your anxiety.
Good luck (^_^)
Truth be told though, ive been in your shoes, im 23 now and still the same. My advice is act fast! Dont let your life slip by. But even all the trying in the world sometimes isnt enough. Therapy might help, and so might anti-depressants or something similar. The only insane thing that i have come to learn is you cant keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results. You simply have to change it up, otherwise things simply wont happen for you. The fact that you said you have always been shy and might have anxiety reminded me of myself. Just recently ive discovered that ive probably had aspergers and depression/anxiety for years without really knowing. These can be a hard thing to diagnose (especially when you have no one close in your life), and no one truly knows the exact cause. Genetics and environment certainly play a large part i think. Seek help if you can, seriously, you wont regret it. Talk to the person closest to you, even if its just a friend or family member, (hopefully there is someone) and let them know that your struggling. They might not be able to help you, but you have nothing to lose from it.
They probably have better advice for you then us yoyos on this website. Would we be here reading posts on life sucks if we had all the answers?
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