LIFE SUCKS

sweet sweet psychotic suicide

I'm 22 and Everyday I wake up and wonder what the hell I'm doing out of bed wishing why the fuck can't I just hurry up and kill myself already? I've flunked out of college due to my schizophrenic psychotic episodes and delusions, mixed with my bipolar that put me inpatient last year. As a result from going inpatient my father has disowned me and my entire family is somehow convinced I'm such a good attention whore of a liar that I've fulled various doctors and shrinks to get this diagnoses.
-
I have an older sister who I help babysit for sometimes, she owes me two hundred dollars or so and keeps avoiding to pay me. I'm about ready to give up on everything and not care anymore. Fuck the medical bills I have to pay fuck the banks. She thinks I'm a liar like my father does anyway. Thought sister's were supposed to support their younger siblings.
-
My mother believes me but really doesn't care. Too wrapped up in her drug abuse. I was lucky enough she let me move in a year ago when my father kicked my ass to the curb. I used to have a best friend, but now I'm not so sure... who felt more like a brother to me, now he's convinced I'm too "bat-shit crazy" to even consider helping anymore. So he's detaching himself from me to avoid my 'crazy'. I feel worse than I ever have before and ignoring the voices telling me to kill myself is getting harder and harder because they're getting really persuasive.
-
Some-days I eat a lot like a normal person and some days maybe I can eat one mini meal because of an episode I don't trust food or even people walking down the street I can't tell if they're a hallucinations or not anymore. I starve as a result and cut and open my skin because the scars and blood are pretty and it's the only thing I can do as distraction. Oh. But my sister teases me on the cutting because again, if you forgot I'm a worthless piece of shit attention whore. (Good job for remembering, class.)
-
I'm trying to file for SSI but the process makes me want to vomit, why does the universe have to remind me how much of a low life piece of shit I am? I can't afford my medications and one of my psychiatrist's has already said I'm a lost cause. I wish I could get up the courage and attempt suicide again, I really think I can get it right this time.
-
Sometimes I think maybe if I went inpatient again things could be better, but...the money is through the roof and to be honest. Who the fuck thinks I'm worth those poor doctor's time and effort? I sure as shit don't. Hence, again why suicide seems to be the only option that seems fitting...it really does.