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stupid problem

Posted by ME at October 24, 2011
Tags: Attitude  2011 October

My story is just stupid. I'm stupid. My only problem is that I'm living in my parents basement and my father is working very hard on the bigger apartment on the second floor (my parents live on the first floor), so I can move in there in a couple of months. We agreed on this a while ago, after I backed out first. I only wanted to stay temporarily, but now it's been 1.5 years! Yeah. I am such a slacker. Great.

Ok: I am 32 years old, I work as a freelance editor (but actually it's like a full-time job, I work for a newspaper 8 days a month and the rest of the month I work as an online editor). I have work, I have some money. I was able to save a good deal of money because I don't pay much rent.

After school (I have a very good degree) I went to university and studied. My parents paid for everything. I moved out and bought a car. I shared an apartment with other students. My parents paid. I had jobs at the university, but that was like additional money. I never had to worry. After a while the other students at my apartment sucked. I wanted to move to an apartment on my own. I did, parents paid. I met a guy from back home, we got together, I moved in with him. After almost two years we broke up and I was happy that I had my parents place, their basement, where I could move to. Back then I was just happy I had a place and could go on with work, because at that time I was just about to become a freelancer. How ironic is that - when I became self-employed, I gave up my independence from my family.

That's 1.5 years ago. In the meantime, I agreed with my parents to move in upstairs, whenever the apartment is ready (my grandmother lived there until she died).

I hate myself for being such a self-pitying dumb ass. Here's the problem. I can't tell my parents that I don't want to move in there. I promised them I would do that. At least try it. They didn't understand when I made one poor attempt a couple of months ago to say that I want to move back to the city. My parents live in a little town, I grew up here.

I feel I need other impulses to live, enjoy life. I find myself fleeing whenever I can. I can't break it to them. I am ashamed of myself. I am not happy, but I cannot tell them why. It's bad for everyone. I feel like I am stuck here. I can't get out, and it's my own fault. I am so stupid. And unthankful. But all I want is to not owe them anything. But I do!!! They paid everything and pampered my all my life. I am afraid of being on my own. I want to keep a good relationship with them. If I decide to tell them, they won't understand why I don't want to be with them. "Do you not like us?" they ask. "All we want is that you are happy". But they don't get it, that I love them but don't want to live under the same roof.

I have no boyfriend since I moved in here; and my fear is I won't get a boyfriend as long as I live with my parents. The always say "but you can do anything you like!" - but I can't.

I'm just a weak person, always trying to do what people want from me, not really knowing what I want to do for myself. Maybe if I move out I suddenly think: Hey, it wasn't so bad back home. Actually, there are people who love me so much. I might feel lonely.

I'm sorry I'm dumping this stupid problem on this site - where so many people have real problems. I just have a luxury problem, aint that right? But in my world (and it is a very privileged, I am aware), it sucks.

I wanna get away - see great things - do fun stuff - meet interesting new people - I don't want to be afraid - I want to love, and I want to find someone who sees me the way I really am - where is this soulmate? Or have I let it slip away? Oh my god, I am a frustrated idiot. Again, so sorry for dumping this onto you.


Votes:


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